Jobs, EMIs, kids and ageing parents: Indian man in Norway asks if love should always come with responsibility and guilt and be called sanskar

What if caring for ageing parents did not always mean having them live with you? An Indian man named Vinod, who has been living in Norway for over a decade, has sparked a conversation about how families care for elderly parents. In a post on X, he compared the Norwegian and Indian approaches, questioning whether love should automatically come with financial responsibility, dependence and guilt. His observations also raise a bigger question: can India create systems that allow parents to age with dignity while families remain emotionally close?

Care for ageing parents in Norway

Vinod, an Indian man living in Norway for over a decade, took to X to describe how elderly parents are cared for in the country. He said ageing parents in Norway generally do not move in with their children. Instead, they may continue living in their own homes or move into well-run care homes. According to Vinod, nurses check on them, meals are arranged, activities are planned and their independence and dignity are maintained.

But he pointed out that living separately does not necessarily mean families become emotionally distant. He wrote that families continue meeting on weekends with their grandchildren, organising family get-togethers and even going on holidays together. The difference, according to him, is that parents can remain part of family life without becoming dependent on their children for their everyday needs.

Norway vs India

Vinod highlighted what he sees as one of the biggest differences between the two systems. In Norway, he said, the system is designed so that an elderly parent’s comfort does not depend on how much their son earns, how much their daughter can do for them or how kind their daughter-in-law is. The idea, he suggested, is that ageing parents can receive care as a matter of social support rather than relying entirely on their children. This does not mean families stop caring. Instead, family relationships can continue without placing the entire responsibility of an elderly parent’s care on their children.

Vinod contrasted this with the situation many Indian families face. He said that putting ageing parents in an old-age home can attract criticism from relatives, neighbours and the wider community. As a result, children may quietly take on multiple responsibilities at once. Jobs, EMIs, children’s school fees and their own parents’ medical expenses can all become part of the same financial and emotional burden.

He also pointed out that ageing parents may remain silent about their needs because they do not want their children to feel that they have become a burden. The result can be a difficult balancing act, where adult children try to manage careers, household expenses, raising their own children and caring for elderly parents simultaneously.

Love for parents

Vinod pointed out that Indians do not love their parents less. His argument is not that Indian families care less about their parents. Instead, he questioned whether love should necessarily be tied to financial dependence, constant caregiving and social expectations. For him, the issue is what happens when affection and responsibility become inseparable.

Duty, money, dependency and guilt = sankar?

Vinod summed up his criticism by saying that Indian society has mixed love with duty, money, dependency and guilt and then called it “sanskar.” His observation raises an uncomfortable question about whether traditional expectations around caring for parents sometimes leave both generations feeling trapped.

Adult children may feel obligated to provide everything, even when they are already dealing with work, EMIs and raising their own families. Parents, meanwhile, may hesitate to ask for help because they fear becoming dependent or burdensome.

Ageing parents and their independence

Vinod believes ageing parents should have the freedom to grow old without feeling dependent, guilty or like a burden. He described that families can remain closely connected through regular visits, celebrations, holidays and time with grandchildren while professional systems take care of everyday needs.

Neitzens join the conversation

A user wrote, "Comparing a petroleum-spoiled country with a population less than that of an average tier B Indian city, thinking that Sanskars are guilt-laden, love comes above duty, and interdependence is a burden, isn't a flex." Another commented, "Yes the systems need to be built in a way that parents are independent. A lot also depends on their or their kids income levels since more of these care homes - the good ones - are expensive...and out of reach for the middle class."

One user said, "I feel our Indian way is better where our parents take care of us till college and even weddings are paid by them which will never happen in West where kids have to start earning after school. The least we can do is not send them to old age home and manage help at own home." One agreed with Vinod and pointed out, "This is good for both parents and children. Parents should have a choice. In our society, people sometimes suffer to make society happy."