Dr D's column: Can talking about golf & dogs cost tennis coaches their career?

Dear Dr D,

I’ve been fired as coach by the world number 5 tennis player Alexander Zverev. He complained I spent more time talking about golf and my dog.

That’s the problem with the jocks of today. They have no understanding of metaphor or parable. Everything must be direct. There is no subtlety and there’s nothing recondite. It’s all forehand, backhand, lob and topspin. But is that the work of a coach? The word is from the Hungarian village of Kocs, where it was first made. However its use in sport comes from Oxford University in the 1830s, where it described an instructor or trainer “carrying” the student through an exam. That is a coach: Someone who takes you into another realm.


The trope of golf on young Zverev was to introduce him, a clay specialist, to the subtleties of grass. Now I may not have won Wimbledon but I have always held that grass is for cows. (Did you know that one of the most productive cows in the United States, the Brahman, comes from India?) And in the dog thing he refers to, I actually used the word hound (from the Proto-Germanic ‘hundaz’) which also means to pursue relentlessly. Anyway, what’s done is done.

What do you think I should do next?
- I Lendl, Prague

Dear Mr Lendl,

You’re an inspirational figure and I’d recommend you for the Indian team, now that Shastri seems to have run his course. It would be fascinating to learn how they would engage with anything other than endorsements and social media. But alas, we will never know.

(Dr D is one of the leading doctors in the country. He values his privacy, but not of his clients).

STATUTORY WARNING: This humour column is not for the weak-kneed or the thin-skinned.