Psychology says shared dislikes and havig a mutual enemy can bring people together faster than you think

Most people assume friendships begin because of shared hobbies, similar personalities or common life experiences. While those factors certainly matter, psychology says another surprisingly powerful force can create an instant sense of connection: having a mutual enemy or shared dislike. Think about two coworkers who immediately click because they are both frustrated with the same difficult manager, or two classmates who bond after complaining about the same strict professor. These interactions often feel natural and effortless. But psychologists say the reason goes far beyond simple gossip. Research suggests that shared negative opinions can create a sense of similarity, belonging and emotional validation.

However, experts also warn that while a common enemy may spark a relationship, it is rarely enough to sustain one. Long-term friendships and healthy relationships still depend on trust, support and positive shared experiences.

Our brains naturally connect with people who think like us

One of the strongest explanations comes from Similarity-Attraction Theory, developed by psychologist Donn Byrne.


The theory proposes that people are naturally drawn to others who share their attitudes, beliefs and opinions. That similarity can involve favorite movies, political views or even mutual dislikes.


Imagine two employees meeting for the first time during lunch. They discover they have both struggled with the same unfair supervisor. Suddenly, the conversation becomes more open, and they feel understood without needing lengthy explanations.

Psychologists believe this happens because shared attitudes reduce uncertainty. When someone agrees with our perspective, our brain interprets that agreement as evidence that they are more likely to understand us in other areas as well.

A common enemy creates a stronger sense of "us"

Another explanation comes from Social Identity Theory, developed by psychologists Henri Tajfel and John Turner.

According to the theory, people naturally divide the social world into groups. Feeling part of an "in-group" strengthens identity and belonging, especially when there is a perceived "out-group."

For example, sports fans often feel an immediate connection with strangers who support the same team, particularly when they are competing against a long-standing rival. The shared opposition strengthens the feeling that everyone is on the same side.

The same process can happen in workplaces, schools or neighborhoods. A common challenge or difficult person can temporarily unite people who might otherwise have little in common.

Shared opinions make relationships feel emotionally balanced

Psychologist Fritz Heider's Balance Theory offers another explanation.

The theory suggests people prefer relationships that feel psychologically consistent. If two people both dislike the same third person, the emotional "triangle" becomes balanced, making the relationship between the first two people feel more comfortable.


Imagine two neighbors who both become frustrated by repeated noise from another apartment. Their shared viewpoint creates a feeling of agreement that makes conversations flow more easily.

This does not necessarily mean the dislike is justified. Instead, the shared perception itself creates a sense of psychological harmony.

Sharing frustration can make emotions feel validated

Another important concept is Emotional Contagion, studied extensively by psychologist Elaine Hatfield.

Emotions often spread between people through facial expressions, tone of voice and conversation. When someone expresses frustration and another person immediately agrees, both people often feel understood.

For instance, after a stressful meeting, two coworkers may joke about how exhausting it was. Their shared emotional response helps reduce feelings of isolation because each person realizes they are not alone in their experience.

Psychologists call this emotional validation, and it often strengthens short-term social bonds.

But negativity alone rarely builds lasting relationships

Although shared complaints can create fast friendships, research suggests they are usually not enough to maintain healthy relationships over time.

Psychologist Shelly Gable's Capitalization Theory shows that relationships become stronger when people also celebrate each other's successes, not just share frustrations.

Similarly, relationship researcher John Gottman has found that stable, satisfying relationships are built on frequent positive interactions, appreciation and emotional support. Constant negativity, even when shared, can eventually increase stress and reduce relationship quality.

Imagine two friends who originally bonded over complaining about work. If every conversation continues to revolve around criticism, the friendship may begin to feel emotionally draining. However, if they also celebrate promotions, birthdays and personal achievements together, the relationship becomes much more resilient.

Healthy relationships grow beyond a common enemy

Psychologists say a mutual enemy often acts as the starting point rather than the foundation of a relationship.

As trust develops, healthy friendships begin including laughter, shared goals, encouragement and genuine care. The original complaint becomes only a small part of a much larger connection.

In fact, many long-lasting friendships eventually stop focusing on the person or situation that first brought the individuals together. Instead, they grow through shared memories, mutual respect and positive experiences.

Balance Theory highlights the comfort people experience when their attitudes align, and Emotional Contagion explains why shared frustration can create emotional closeness. Yet psychologists consistently emphasize that these bonds are often temporary unless they are reinforced with trust, kindness and shared positive experiences. A common enemy may introduce two people, but genuine friendship is usually built on much more than a shared dislike.

FAQs

Why do people bond over a mutual enemy?

Psychologists say shared dislikes create a sense of similarity, emotional validation and group identity, making people feel connected more quickly.

Is bonding over shared complaints unhealthy?

Not necessarily. Occasional shared frustrations can strengthen connection, but relationships built only on negativity are generally less satisfying over time.