3 things ageing parents can do to stop being financially dependent on their kids

By Uma Shashikant

The car was loaded with stuff. Too many little bags of too many little things filled up the trunk and the backseat. In the front were seated two men. One very old, nudging 90s; the other his son, in the driver’s seat. The daughter-in-law stood outside the house, anxiety writ large on her face. Then the police came, flashing lights and siren. Neighbours began to peep out of their windows. The old man had called the police, even as his son was loading the car, alleging that he was being forced out of his home.

The travails of care giving are too many. The tales of woe feature several common threads, enough to worry us all. Before you jump to any conclusion, let it be known that the old man in question is a cantankerous heart surgeon, who resents the son for not becoming one. There is no uncaring child in this episode; just the serious incompatibility between father and son, accentuated by the passing away of the mother. The old man agreed to move to assisted care and changed his mind while seated in the car.


Aging single parents represent a tiresome burden on their adult children. Many children devote themselves to the care of parents— research shows daughters do it more than sons. They sacrifice career choices, shuttle between their home and the parental home, rearrange lives to be available for caregiving, spend serious money on day care, hospice, and medication and devote all their holidays to be with the parent. We are not discussing negligent children in this column, just the price of genuine responsibility to care for the elderly. It is not as if parents are willfully demanding. It is just that they are unable to understand or accept that they are making it difficult for their children.

There are three commonly encountered problems. First, the craving for attention and needy behaviour that gets worse with age. Woven into these expectations are confusing ideas about gratitude, giving back, duty and responsibility. Parents demand being included in their children’s lives.

Second, the refusal to live at an assisted care facility. The elderly become attached to their homes, belongings, the neighbourhood. There is a calming effect of rituals they have practiced for years, even if it is something trivial as fresh water from the backyard well; or the breezy verandah where their easy chair sits. However impractical it is to live alone, many elders see assisted living as punishment.

Third, the insistence that their own preferences must prevail. With age, a certain adamance about how one likes something done, gets entrenched. Add to it the insecurities of being sidelined in decision making, the elderly can make tough demands on others, even while insisting that they are making too many “adjustments”.

Add to this equation strained relationships between father and son, mother and daughter in law and so on, we end up with a frayed situation that flares up every now and then. Except for the minority that enjoys cordial relationships with the elderly, for most part, the children and their parents struggle through this phase of care giving. What can we, the care givers of today and soon to be the elderly, do differently?

First, learn to sever the umbilical cord. While we are the demanding elders in our 80s, our children are at the peak of their careers. There is no way the priorities of the parents and children can match. They have their jobs and families to care for. Instead of blaming them for caring more about earning money, accept that they cannot place you ahead of all else.

Develop your circle of friends, interests and activities to stay engaged. There are friends your age who will eagerly hear your stories and tell you theirs. Do not make your adult children the centre of your universe and long to be included in everything they do. Your lives are different. There is a small area of overlap, which is adequate and a happy place. Do not make your children, and the attention you get from them, the trophy to hold up to the world.

Second, do not allow problems that can be solved with money to be solved with time and involvement. It is nice to think about the sacrifices of your children, who will sit by your bedside, hold your hand, and stay up all night to care for you. Wouldn’t a paid nurse offer the same services? Isn’t a phone call and conversation with the child adequate to keep you cheerful? Do not play the martyr, imagining you are giving up what you are entitled to. Be pragmatic.

Assisted care is not punishment. It is a favour you do to your loving children, so they do not remain anxious about your safety while you adamantly live alone at your home. Hired help where available can be used to support your everyday needs. Food and recreation that suits your preference can be organised and curated for a price. Accept solutions that make it simple for your children.

Third, it is fine to be in charge and be financially independent. But do not assume that your faculties for decision making will be sharp as you age. Simplify your decisions. Reduce your hoardings and assets; give away what you do not need; be willing to trust and delegate decisions to your children; and be gracious in the acceptance of your dependence on others as you age. Your will may not always prevail.

My 89-year old aunt agreed to write a diary about how much of her family’s time is spent on accommodating her needs, on a normal day. With data, we saw areas that needed cutting back. Outdoor trips; buying decisions; decisions around family ceremonies; visits to relatives; attendance at functions; and participation in everyday meal planning. She had done enough in her long years of living and can cut these down by 50% and still be cheerful. Less activity also meant she felt less tired and got more rest. Importantly, she accepted a walking stick from me to avoid the risk of fall.

Preparing to age is serious business. Do not make depending on your children—emotionally if not financially—the default choice.


(The author is Chairperson, Centre for Investment Education and Learning)