'I am fine', they say. Why do people pretend they are okay when something clearly hurts?

If you have watched the popular sitcom Friends, you know what Ross said when he saw Joey and Rachel together. His famous “I’m fine” is a popular meme today. And we all know Ross was really not fine.

We all have been in such situations where we are deeply hurt but we keep saying others that we are fine or I am fine.

For example, you are really looking forward to going shopping with your friend; you make a list of what to buy, the food you will have, you dress up nice, and then she calls and says she needs to take a rain check.


You want to be an understanding person, so you say, no problem, let’s do it another time. She asks, “are you okay?” and you say the famous three words: I am fine!!!

Once you hang up the phone, you know you are not feeling good and the disappointment stays there for a while. So why did you say you were fine?

You could have offered your friend a full explanation and your friend might have understood your feelings.

People might say that you were protecting your friendship or you wanted to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. Some might say that they may need time to understand what happened and how they are feeling.

You may also think that though you have agreed and accepted the uncomfortable situation, you are allowed to feel sad about it.

Why can someone look calm while feeling upset?

There are a lot of studies conducted to understand how people hold back their emotions and still be calm. James Gross and Robert Levenson investigated this process in a 1997 experiment. They asked 180 women to watch films. Half were instructed to hide their emotional reactions.

While some participants were able to hide their emotions in a better way but some could not. Those who managed to hide some emotions, may have bluffed with their facial expressions; their physical responses changed. They reported increased sympathetic cardiovascular activation. In simple terms, looking composed did not necessarily mean the body was equally settled.

The experiment studied film responses. It did not test people saying “I’m fine” after an argument, but it is still an example of how people manage to hide what they really want to express.

However, it also has a difference: controlling an expression and changing an emotional response are different processes.

So a person can keep their voice steady even when they are disappointed but their body language may give it away.

Why does keeping the peace sometimes feel more important than speaking honestly?

For some people, going through a difficult discussion scares them. So to avoid that, they take the easy way out. So instead of looking weak and demanding, saying I am fine may be the quickest way to let go of the stress.

Psychologists Dana Crowley Jack and Diana Dill developed the Silencing the Self Scale, published in 1992. Their study did not examine how or why people are unable to express their emotions. Instead, they studied why women believed that to maintain intimacy, people may have to hold back their personal needs. Their study was related to depression in women.

The study examined how people silence themselves and hold back their personal needs to preserve their relationships.

Imagine someone who wants to know the details of a trip. They do it because they are an organised person and plan better. They even ask but you say you will inform them later. You may be casual about it but they may be someone who needs to plan everything. So they get anxious. But then they don’t express how bothered they are. Why? Because they may feel it would lead to an argument, as it is a small issue for you and they don’t want to have any disagreement. So they say it’s okay.

This might be just one instance. They may be pushing back their feelings, thinking it is just a small thing and I should not raise it. But then everything may get piled up one day, creating a bigger issue.

This does not mean that the person is depressed or needs a professional; sometimes communication is key to resolving things.

The original research focused on women and found associations. It cannot explain every person who chooses to stay quiet. An occasional compromise also differs from repeatedly feeling unable to express a need.

Can saying “I’m okay” be an attempt to protect someone else?

Yes. Concealing a feeling is not always intended to gain an advantage. People lie sometimes to protect others and Psychologists Bella DePaulo and Deborah Kashy examined such instances in 1998.

Participants recorded their interactions and lies over a week. Most of the lies they told were to help a friend or family member and not themselves. But when it came to acquaintances and strangers, they lied for their own sake.

A friend who is disappointed but knows you feel guilty about it won’t try to make you feel more uncomfortable. Their intention may be to care about you, but if the listener receives incomplete information, he may react negatively.

The study relied on participants’ accounts. It cannot establish the intention behind a particular lie. Protecting someone’s feelings can explain a response without making it the most useful response in every situation.