A study says hesitating to message an old friend is normal and may be linked to the liking gap

An old photograph appears on your phone. You remember the friend beside you and open their chat. Your last conversation was months ago. You type “Hey, how have you been?” Then you delete it. Perhaps they are busy. Perhaps too much time has passed.

Research suggests people often underestimate how much others appreciate being contacted. An unexpected greeting can mean more to the recipient than the sender imagines.

What does research say about reaching out?

Researcher Peggy Liu and colleagues SoYon Rim, Lauren Min and Kate Min investigated the question in The Surprise of Reaching Out: Appreciated More Than We Think.


Published online in 2022 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, the paper compared people’s expectations with recipients’ appreciation.


In one experiment, students wrote a message to a friend they had not contacted recently. They predicted how much their friend would appreciate it. Researchers then delivered the messages and collected recipients’ responses.

Senders underestimated how welcome their gestures were. The findings concerned ordinary attempts to reconnect, rather than promises that every relationship could be repaired.

Why can an unexpected message mean so much?

The researchers identified surprise as part of the explanation. Recipients focused more on the unexpected nature of the gesture than senders did.

The underestimation was greater when contact was more surprising, including between people who were less socially close.

Imagine receiving a message from a former classmate after hearing a song you once loved together. You may notice the thought behind it: someone remembered you. The sender, meanwhile, may be worrying about whether the greeting sounds strange.

What is the liking gap?

A related finding is the liking gap: people can underestimate how much someone enjoyed their company. Psychologists Erica Boothby, Gus Cooney, Gillian Sandstrom and Margaret Clark examined the effect in a 2018 paper in Psychological Science.

Across different settings, people judged their conversation partners’ feelings less positively than those partners actually reported. The gap also appeared as college students developed relationships over time.

A person might leave a conversation thinking, “I talked too much.” Their companion may leave thinking, “I enjoyed that.”

The example illustrates how self-criticism can colour our interpretation of an interaction. The research concerned conversations, rather than specifically testing messages to old friends. It nevertheless shows why our guesses about other people’s reactions deserve some caution.

Why can an old friend start to feel like a stranger?

Psychologists Lara Aknin and Gillian Sandstrom explored reconnection in a 2024 paper in Communications Psychology.

Across seven studies, they found considerable reluctance to contact old friends. Participants were less willing to reconnect when those friends felt more like strangers. Knowing someone once does not mean knowing how to approach them now.

Imagine a school friend whose daily life you no longer understand. You remember sitting together at lunch. You are less certain what you would discuss today.

A further experiment offered a practical clue. Participants first messaged current friends or browsed social media. Afterwards, 53% of those who practised messaging contacted an old friend, compared with 31% in the browsing group. The result suggests a brief warm-up can help some people act. It does not establish a guaranteed method for everyone.

Does your message need perfect wording?

Related research on gratitude suggests senders can worry too much about delivery. In a 2018 study, Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley asked people to write gratitude letters. Writers underestimated recipients’ positive feelings and overestimated their awkwardness.

The researchers also identified different priorities. Writers worried about expressing themselves skilfully. Recipients valued the warmth of the gesture.

Gratitude letters differ from casual check-ins. Still, the findings suggest that careful wording may matter less than senders fear. A possible opening is, “I heard our old favourite song today and thought of you. How have you been?”

A message like that gives the conversation a starting point. It leaves the recipient room to respond in their own time. Reconnecting need not begin with explaining every month of silence.