Another way is to hold on

Much has been written about letting go. How its self-purging and cathartic qualities can release us from the coils of bondage, attachment and suffering. And how we only imagine that things are really ours when, in fact, our friends, lovers, spouses and children are not because they belong only to themselves.

Also, how possessive and controlling friendships and relationships can be as harmful as outright neglect. Unfortunately , it all started many hundreds of years ago with a slightly chicken-soupy Chinese proverb that tries unfairly to smack of Zen: If you love something set it free; if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it never was.

Firstly, it often proves nothing of the kind. What if you decide to check out your pet cat's take on you and leave it in the outskirts on the other side of town and it manages to find its way back (cats can frequently do this)? Not only is it a ghastly experiment to perform on a bewildered animal but are you going to repeat it every time the ownership blues descend? Secondly, it can often be tragic.

Try suddenly setting your lover free one day and he or she will in all probability end up wondering what the hell you're trying to achieve and, believing you're nuts, may move away from what could have been fruitful or rewarding. How long will you wait for the person to return? Till you're with a permanent someone else?
Thirdly, with some people it just doesn't work.

Writer Allison Wilcox says letting go begins with the cutting of the umbilical cord and ends when you hand over the keys of your car. Maybe, but it doesn't work in reverse. Parents, for instance, never believe they can be set free. For them, the question of coming back simply doesn't arise.

Okay, so maybe there's a far more refined metaphor operating here. But, isn't it still too drastic an action to take just to be certain about something ? As the social philosopher Erich Fromm, author of Escape From Freedom puts it, “The quest for certainty blocks the search for meaning” — something the Buddha too realised many years earlier when he evolved to the Middle Way that rejected disassociation and, instead, meant remaining involved with others.

Could it be time then to overhaul the tacky saw and replace it with something in the same spirit? Like for instance: If you love something, hold on to it; if it remains with you it's yours, if it sets itself free it never was.