Respond to your NCBs

Our reactivity is an automated defence to protect us from feeling the pain of our negative core beliefs (NCB). Normally, we do not recognise that an old and painful memory has been stirred up; we simply feel overwhelmed and automatically react in defence. We can either shut down what we are feeling by underreacting, overreact with emotions out of proportion to the situation, or we can act out. The person who underreacts unconsciously shuts down her emotions to either reduce their intensity or completely hide them.

The person who overreacts is unconsciously fighting against the situation. This is in the hope of changing it and releasing herself from uncomfortable feelings. The person who acts out unconsciously does so to purge anxious feelings. When we are being reactive, we are completely self-absorbed, which comes from the child-like mindset stored in repressed or denied memories. Often when we become reactive, we can act self- righteous, grandiose, contemptuous, critical, blaming, arrogant, controlling or tyrannical.

In learning to live more fully in the present moment, we begin to recognise that we can respond to situations instead of blindly reacting to them. We can't always help it if someone hits an insecurity we have and invokes anger, sadness or some other feeling. But we do have the opportunity to control how we respond.