You better not watch the Manchesters!

Tomorrow, as the sun sets over Dubai and the subcontinent collectively holds its breath, some among you - let's just call you the 'hoity-toity lot' - will be tuning into the Manchester derby. Yes, that derby: 90 minutes of football between two English clubs. Meanwhile, the rest of us, who know that INDIA! INDIA-A-A! will win against Pakistan in Operation Bahut Dur in Dubai, will be engaged in a 20-over each side cathartic exercise that will, obviously, be deeply patriotic. But, no, you hoity-toities will be having 'angrezi-style' lager and tweet about Bruno Fernandes' xG while Jasprit Bumrah is busy redefining post-Nehruvian physics. To choose the Premier League derby for at least an hour-and-a-half over the Asia Cup is so seditious! It's the cultural equivalent of saying, 'I prefer Bach to Baba Sehgal,' at your cousin's wedding and exposing your colonial mindset. If you'll be watching football, not only are you an elitist but you're anti-national to boot. Let's be clear: this is really about loyalty. When Shubman Gill faces down Shaheen Afridi, it's not just a match, it's a referendum. And if you're watching Erling Haaland instead, congratulations: you've voted for irrelevance.

So, go ahead, traitor. Watch your derby. But don't expect forgiveness when your neighbour's visiting hot sister-in-law asks, 'Beta, score kya hai?' and you reply, '3-1.'