Working out how to 'hug with caution'

What is ‘cautious hugging’? According to British prime hug-ministrator, it would seem to mean ‘hugging with caution’. Boris Johnson, as part of a calibrated move to ease public Covid-19 restrictions, announced that from May 17 not only would Britons be allowed to meet in small groups in pubs and restaurants, but they would also be allowed to hold someone tightly in their arms — but ‘cautiously’. Which across their pond would mean, frankly, giving a damn.

As stereotypes go, one would have thought that hugs were more of an American and Continental thing, especially after Brexit. But one cause for the stiff upper lip having segued over the years into a chipko movement of endearment could be foreign Premier League footballers. After scoring, many players tend to get sentimental like Cristiano Ronaldo. This led to British sports minister Nigel Huddleston stating in January that English clubs with players committing any of the three Hs — handshakes, high-fives and hugs — would be punished. By March, the rest of Britain’s population were also told to ‘resist the temptation’ to hug. With things improving on Planet Britain, the hug has been allowed again — but with caution. Which could mean much fumbling and awkwardness in shows of affection returning to that culture. Double-parking, however, remains verboten in cautiously mobile Britain.