Seine today will be safe and not insane

Inshallah, the 2024 action-horror disaster film Under Paris - the original French title, 'Sous la Seine' (Under the Seine) - will remain a fictional thrill as the Olympic Games opening ceremony unfolds today. This unprecedented event - it's the first time an opening ceremony is taking place outside a stadium, along Paris' iconic river - will feature over 200 delegations gliding down the river, with thousands cheering along the banks. In the Xavier Gens movie, Lilith, a tagged shortfin mako shark - usually found in temperate and tropical seas - finds its way into the freshwater river for 'revenge'. Mayhem follows, Paris turning into a battleground. On finding out that Lilith has entered pre-Olympic Paris, scientists request the Parisian authorities to postpone the triathlon event. The mayor - not Anne Hidalgo, the real mayor - insists on going ahead, stressing the event's importance for global visibility and the billions already spent. Without giving the film away, let's just say the Olympic triathlon event in Paris becomes a veritable bloodsport.

But not to worry. Instead of a rampaging shark that makes Jaws look like Nibbles, the Seine will (surely) be graced with floats and fanfare. Free of the garbage that was reportedly floating around in it till a few weeks ago, the Seine should see swimmers safe. And, hopefully, friendly fins.