President Wonka's wonky philo-logic

In his latest executive order, Willy Wonka - Donald Trump's new name - has directed the US Interior Department to update the name of Lake Ontario to Lake America. Bounded in the north, west and southwest by the Canadian province of Ontario, and by the US state of New York in the south and east, this is a masterclass in unilateral rebranding. Never mind that Canadians, let alone Americans, won't suddenly start booking fishing trips to 'Lake America'. The order lives in the US Geographic Names Information System, a bureaucratic echo chamber where Wonka's linguistic experiments can shimmer till the former Nigerian capital is renamed Mar-a-Lagos.

The tinpot's next mission, reportedly, is to rename 'cow' as 'dog', 'oil' as 'Barbie', and himself as 'Don de Disco'. It's usually a good idea - to rename reality is to own it. The meds, in the right dosage, can always solidify such a feeling. But the Ontario-for-America episode underscores the limits of unilateral spin. Canada's retaliatory tariffs on steel and dairy are real. Wonka's renaming is less so. His attempt to recast the US' loss to Iran as victory was 'unsuccessful' - or, in his Chocolate Factory lexicon, 'successful'. Before the November midterms, Wonka finds himself short of both hook and crook. But he should be chuffed. Since in his head, Las Vague-as rules. Oh, that's the new name for the US.