Our medal-winning armchair athletes

Forget our athletes in Paris. The true Citius, Altius, Fortiuswalas are crouched over their phones and sweating it away on social media from their couches. As a nation of gyaanis, whiners and record-breaking bitches, we have taken censuring to Olympian levels. Whether it's how Tarun Tahiliani's official kit for the Indian Olympic contingent was tacky and how he totally ignored dipping into India's glorious handloom heritage, or how Deepika Kumari could have not crashed out if 'the last three arrows were shot properly... we lack the killer instinct.' Over the next fortnight, everyone's an expert.

WhatsApp uncles and aunties will show a deep understanding in sporting disciplines whose rules and regulations the rest of us are unaware/unsure of. Our athletes may be sweating it out in Paris, but the real games are happening in living rooms across the subcontinent. The opening ceremony is deemed 'shoddy' - depicting a French aristocrat holding her (decapitated) head is 'too graphic bhai!', 'too Eurocentric for a global gathering'. 'My son jumps better during the annual colony sports day,' becomes a legit grouse. Then there's the classic, 'She's not putting her heart into it. I could see more passion at my niece's wedding sangeet.' So, let's cheer on our armchair athletes, armed as they are with memes and sarcasm sharper than a Neeraj javelin.