NY resolution no. 5: Tacky office gifts

In our potentially award-winning HETLoR - 2025 Honest ET List of Resolutions - No. 5 is to perfect the ancient corporate ritual of giving New Year gifts so uninspired, so magnificently unthoughtful, that they function less as tokens of goodwill and more as blunt instruments of productivity. Forget artisanal chocolates or scented candles. Those only encourage lingering sentiment. The true visionary opts for plastic pens that leak, calendars featuring obscure UP villages, or mugs emblazoned with motivational slogans like 'Rust Never Sleeps'.

The brilliance of the cheap gift lies in its paradox: it says 'I remembered you,' while simultaneously saying, 'Ok, for the love of quarterly targets, get back to work.' A box of stale cookies communicates urgency far better than gourmet hampers. A desk plant that dies within a week is a metaphor for your vacation days. Imagine the collective morale boost when the office unwraps identical discount keychains shaped like staplers as they trudge back to office in the new year. The message is clear: we're united, not in joy, but in shared absurdity of corporate survival. After all, isn't that what holidays are truly about? So, may your gifts be as forgettable as last year's PPPTs, and as disposable as coffee stirrers. And nothing says festive cheer quite like a partially used Post-it gift.