Noise cancellation with noisy eaters

We are living in a polycrisis. But one crisis that barely gets mentioned is noisy eating, the soundtrack no one asked for. Whether it's the unapologetic slurping of soup, or the crunch that could wake the dead, dealing with noisy eaters requires finesse, patience and, dare we say, a sense of humour. In a culture that not only tolerates loudness but, indeed, makes a 'pride march' out of it, how does one deal with this open-mouthed problem? As always, by marking a special day dedicated to it, a 'Noisy Eating Appreciation Day', could help. Invite people over, especially those who sound like they're chewing on a megaphone. Serve dishes specifically designed to amplify the noise - crunchy nachos, slurpy noodles, crackly popcorn.... As they munch away, offer commentary on their technique, on the lines of 'Ah, the delicate art of the open-mouth chew. It's so avant-garde!'

Engage in passive-aggressive tactics. Carry a set of noise-cancelling headphones and put them on dramatically each time your noisy eater starts their show. Bonus points if you say, 'Sorry, I can't hear you over the crunching,' with an exasperated look. You could also adopt the role of a masticating coach by offering unsolicited advice: 'If you chew with your mouth closed, you might actually taste the food better.' Make sure to smile sweetly. After all, it's for their benefit.