Mummy-SEBI loves you, it knows best

Like Mummy, Sebi knows best. The regulator, in order to protect investors from the trials and tribulations, tempests and turbulences of the big, bad world outside, has introduced a whole roster of new rules. Call it mollycoddling or straitjacketing, but Mummy-Sebi's intentions are pure. Gone are the days when a PAN card sufficed to test your financial wisdom. Now, dear investor, you must also prove that your heart still beats (ECG), your blood pressure hasn't exploded in the last week, and that your sugar levels don't swing wilder than penny stocks pre-market and post-market. Thinking of day trading? Ensure you have a medical fitness certificate signed off by someone with actual degrees. Because Mummy-Sebi doesn't want your reckless speculation to be your choice, does it? It should be theirs. And before you dare place a buy order, Sebi wants your life insurance policy - in case the market sends you into a financial coma, your family won't just inherit your debt but also your 'fully Sebi-approved' demise.

The piece de resistance is the requirement of an NOC from your family. Because as any Mai-Baap 500 regulator knows, your finances are your parivar's, no, beta? And having pre-market and post-market BP readings would only be natural. All to keep Mummy-Sebi's darlings safe from the big, bad badmaashes prowling on the bourses.