Holi, war by more colourful means

There's enough of madness in this world, so one more shouldn't clutter your desk this Holi. Let's say countries - including currently the maddest ones - decide to replace generals who bark orders about artillery with generals who debate the nozzle size of their neon-green pichkaris instead. Where drones are replaced wholesale by airborne gulaal across conflict zones, staining the air in shades of fuchsia and turmeric. In other words, turning the battlefield of tomorrow could less 20th-c. blood and rubble and more 'Surrender! Holi hai!'

Long-range water balloons could be arcing majestically across borders, splattering rival nations with a tangible sense of victory and defeat. Missile silos transformed into giant slingshots, their payloads nothing more than biodegradable balloons filled with saffron-tinted water. UNSC would convene, this time with some purpose, not to impose pointless sanctions, but to debate whether lavender counts as an aggressive hue. Soldiers would march not in camouflage but in white kurtas, ready to be blasted with rainbow chaos. War correspondents would wear ponchos, reporting breathlessly: 'The eastern front has been drenched in crimson. But morale remains high thanks to a surprise barrage of glitter-infused aqua.' If you think this is an absurd landscape to settle conflict, clearly, the absurdity of war eludes you.