Ghayal hoon, isliye Vishwasghatak hoon

Aditya Dhar's Dhurandhar may have given India a new template for the patriotic action hero. But China may have found its own protagonist. Enter Alice Huang: entrepreneur, alleged sanctions-buster and, inconveniently for Nvidia, Jensen Huang's special mitra. Alice's business network reportedly helped facilitate the movement of at least $7.5 bn worth of Nvidia chips to Chinese firms despite US export restrictions. Beijing should immediately commission Dhurandhar: The Silicon Sister, starring Zhao Lusi, a.k.a. Rosy Zhao, as heroine. Jackie Chan would - of course! - play Jensen, executing spectacular martial arts manoeuvres while attempting to explain to US regulators why his chips keep turning up where they shouldn't.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who plays Selina Meyer - the even more magnificently incompetent vice-president than J D Vance - in the sitcom Veep, could play Lori Huang, Jensen's missus. The climax could feature Rosy-Alice hijacking a container ship carrying H100 processors, Jackie-Jensen left dangling from a Singapore skyscraper, and Xi Jinping, playing himself, solemnly declaring tech self-reliance while stroking a Siamese cat. Through the movie, Nvidia may recover some of the losses it made when shares fell more than 5% after losing 4.3% on Monday, when it shed $192.08 bn in market value, and Tuesday's decline put another ~$221 bn at risk.