FTAs, the real deal ain't the trade, silly

Don't you just love FTAs? Fooled The A*****e (A******e, in British English) is the latest hot across-the-board game. FTAs are the adult version of playground bartering, except now you wear suits and don't get to brag about how you traded wickkid IPL memorabilia for someone's Nintendo Switch. The true purpose of an FTA isn't lowering tariffs, silly. It's coming home and telling folks, 'See how I fleeced those suckers?!'

Say, India gets mangoes into Germany. Germany gets fancy machines into India. Both sides smile and shake hands. But, back home, a PM and a chancellor are flexing to their respective finance committees. The former says, 'We gave them mangoes. Fruit. Perishable. In exchange? Machinery that lasts 30 years. Call me Bargain Bhagwan, homies!' The latter boasts, 'Not only did we sell them overpriced forklifts, but we even convinced them to call it 'capacity building'!' Crowds in both countries applaud to the genius of the FTAshists. See, the real trade isn't in goods, it's in narratives. FTAs are storylines with customs paperwork. Each clause is a punchline in the romcom, 'Who Got Played?' And you know what's the beauty of it? Both sides think they've won - and that the other side has lost. So, next time you hear about an 'historic trade deal', just ensure those cheering 'wins' on both sides don't read each other's press releases.