Choose the winner, then just declare it

It was just a matter of time that sports, the most objective of all contests, would also be going 'subjective'. Why get hidebound by details like scores when declaring a winner can be more nuanced? It turns out that US Special Envoy for Global Partnerships Paolo Zampolli has suggested Fifa replace Iran with Italy in the upcoming World Cup. Straight out of the Sopranos, Zampolli believes that despite Iran qualifying fair and square for the tournament and Italy not, the Azzurri 'have the pedigree to justify inclusion', and the Persians don't. Wanting something badly enough is the new metric.

Forget qualifying matches. Forget the ball actually crossing the line. Forget goalposts. What matters now is wanting something. The winner is whoever has the loudest, baddest support. At Wimbledon, why bother with racquets when you can simply announce, 'I feel Carlos Alcaraz should lose today to Taylor Fritz.' Simply because Fritz is American, and Spain has recently been rude to Trump. The beauty of this system is its efficiency. No more tedious overtime or VAR reviews. Just a quick consultation with the Department of Wishing Really Hard, and we have a winner. And, so, the World Cup will soon resemble gully cricket, where rules are fluid and the loudest kid in the block insists that he's not out, no matter shattered stumps and muffled groans.