Belgium, please hold your horses

If you thought Belgium's 4-1 thrashing of the US on Monday was a settled matter, think again. In the age of Diego MAGAdona, no scoreline is safe, no referee's whistle final, and no VAR truly conclusive. Our sources have it that somewhere between his musings on tariffs and his latest declaration of 'the greatest economy ever', Trump made a 'courtesy call' to Fifa president and butler Gianni Infantino. Yes, there is talk of the Belgium-US result being reversed. The Brussels sprouts may have scored 4 goals, but what are goals compared to the gravitational pull of American exceptionalism? And Trumpian persuasion? Expect Infantino to announce that, upon 'further review', 3 Belgian strikes were actually offside, and the final Romelu Lukaku one 'fake news'. And the US' solitary goal counts double under the new 'America First' rulebook. Voila: US 3, Belgium 1. And why stop there? Perhaps Fifa will retroactively award the US the 2014 World Cup, declare the 2022 Qatar edition null and void, in exchange for retaining the sport's name as 'football', something that MAGAdona actually believes in.

So, while Belgium celebrates Monday's result a bit prematurely, the rest of us wait with bated breath for the next Trump-Infantino hotline moment. Because in this brave new world of VAR by other means, the final whistle is merely the start of negotiations.