Arise, awake, let the caffinati into office

AI may soon write reports, analyse balance sheets and devise strategies for conquering markets. But until it masters laughing at a boss' joke, detecting sarcasm and pretending to enjoy team-building exercises, companies will need humans. The solution is dark: hiring members of the caffinati, a new corporate elite capable of functioning, conversing, collaborating and even contributing intelligently to meetings without a single sip of coffee.

These remarkable assets will arrive at work already conscious, greet colleagues in non-mumbles, and discuss strategies at 9 a.m. without clutching a mug as if clutching on to their mother's pallu. Future-ready companies should cultivate a critical mass of caffinati. Fewer coffee breaks across the board means lower transaction costs, less yapping around that De'Longhi machine, and no airing of the difference between Arabica and Robusta. Meetings could begin when scheduled, rather than everyone using just then to 'get a cup'. Once hired, HR departments should reward these naturally-caffeinated assets. Perhaps a Caffinati Index could measure corporate resilience against sudden coffee shortages. There will, inevitably, be resistance. Entire management hierarchies, after all, depend on someone fetching their coffee. The caffinati, meanwhile, are ready to work. Unassisted. Unfiltered. And always awake.