And the 2025 Oscars(actually) went to...

By the time you read this, you'll know who the winners of Oscars 2025 are. But since we were given a tip-off on Sunday night, you can confirm now that every category, barring Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress, was won by Donald J Trump, with the other two categories going to Elon Trump, and any cis woman in the Trump administration, respectively. Unlike Silicon Valley, Hollywood has been less than awestruck by the Don. But through an executive order, that disparity was resolved before communists like George Clooney and Meryl Streep could start their spiel-berg.

Best Picture award favourite Emilia Perez, a narco-musical, was thought to sound too 'Mexican'-as did its star, Karla Sofia Gascon, whose transgender identity would have confused young Americans. Timothee Chalamet was tipped to win Best Actor for his role as Bob Dylan in A Complete Unknown. But Dylan's friendship to Trump critic Joan Baez disqualified Chalamet. While Trump was unsparing in thanking everyone-unlike visiting foreigners not having the grace to be grateful-Musk's reaction to his win was a mysterious eggplant emoji on X. If there was one person left out of the gala celebrations, it was JD Vance. His special effects on display last week, while critically acclaimed, seems to have left the jury-comprising US Supreme Court judges-lukewarm.