All fools' day epic fury drool gibberish

Nobody's ever seen electricity like this electricity. Iran's power plants? Gone. Lights out. Darker than a cave where bats are voting for me unanimously. Tremendous bats, very loyal. We've got oil barrels singing 'Star-Strangled Banner', pipelines doing the cha-cha-cha, and Iran's new leadership - very smart, very Muslim - wanting to hand over crude to me like it's Halloween candy. Gasoline prices? Even if it's up a little, it's down. Very nasty Iran. Nasty Nato. But don't worry. America's got oil more than Russia, more than Mars - if Mars has oil reserves. Pete and I are making sure Iran never gets nuclear, even if they aren't. If they resist, we'll cancel the country. Boom. Nobody survives without America, believe you me. And let me tell you, Operation Epic Fury was so successful, that we'll run it again. And again. And again.

Oh, Iran's leadership? Decapitated, figuratively. Which is the best kind of decapitation, because you can still wear a tie. Their missiles? Destroyed. Their military? In smithereens. Hormuz? Pried open like they're prying open Joe Biden's memory these days. America is unstoppable, folks. Stronger than cheeseburger, faster than golf carts, safer than pillows made of ensteeled goose feathers I sleep on as peacefully as a baby. We are the strongest, most tremendous nation ever. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!