Jim boy, that's what (polite) colonisers do

Monaco immigrant and co-owner of Manchester United Jim Ratcliffe's recent pronouncement that Albion is 'being colonised by immigrants' is accurate, and ironically hilarious. Is the country that once treated half the globe like a giant Airbnb it forgot to pay for, now clutching its pearls at the sight of newcomers? India, with which we're a bit more familiar with than other ex-Albion colonies, was colonised by immigrants too - including those who didn't queue at Heathrow with passports and visas but just came in and demanded, 'Bearah, where's my mulligatawny?!' They arrived with cannons that didn't symbolise Arsenal FC, and contracts that would make Don Trump look like a WTO director-general, the kind who turns the idiom 'Selling cotton to Dhaka and Calicut' into 'Selling coal to Newcastle'. Now, that takes chutzpah.

So, when Albion tax-dodger Ratcliffe mutters 'colonisation', what he really means is: 'Not by rich people, especially dark-skinned ones - so, Mr Mallya, worry not - are moving here... no, not Monaco, but Albion... legally, paying taxes, and contributing to society, and I find that terribly inconvenient.' If Albion has been colonised, it's gotta be the friendliest colonisation in history, one where invaders bring samosas, kebabs and a functioning NHS workforce.

The punchline? Albion's old empire was the OG illegal immigration scheme. No visas, no consent, just centuries of 'We live here now and, by the way, I'm taking these things for our museums along with this diamond that'll look better on our queen's head.' So, Ratcliffe's Albion has to end up dealing, alas, with immigrant families that would bring Man U players like Kobbie Mainoo, Ayden Heaven, Romelu Lukaku, Patrice Evra.... Poor, poor racists forced to move to Monaco.