The menace of bribery

India is itchy palm country. Anybody who is in the position to ask for a bribe, asks. Newborns would extend their pink palms for a smiling Gandhi if they could charge their parents for the pleasure of holding them. Air hostesses, with six inches of makeup, would ask you to pay up for the pleasure of seeing them clipclop down the aisles, if they could. Fortunately, children don’t talk coherently till three. And the job market for over-the-hill air hostesses is not hot. So how do we — a nation of frenetic bribe givers and takers — tackle this Bribezilla we have so lovingly spawned? Legalise it, says the god of good governance. Hang ’em high, says another peace-loving demigod, referring to his itchy palmed brethren. Like professors and television anchors love to remind us, there are no easy answers. But here are some possible approaches that might give Bribezilla a few sleepless nights:

a) Instead of writing lengthy reports that run to a few hundred pages which wipe out half a rain forest when printed, the Lok Pals should encourage government research bodies like Defence Research Development Organisation to design a special rupee note and distribute it to the bribe-paying public. The note when triggered will squirt indelible ink, the kind that elections officers unmercifully stain your manicured fingers with. Overnight, bribe takers would look like they play Holi every day, rather than once a year.

b) Imagine this. A minister known for his itchy palms walks into an airport. All of a sudden, a hail of one and two rupee coins hits him. “Sir, here is your welcome drink,” says the air hostess, even as she thumbs a ten-rupee note on behalf of the crew. He dives into the swimming pool at a five-star hotel and the water starts roiling with rupee coins chucked by the sunbathing guests.


c) Let each Indian make it a point to send B-Tex (a popular and cheap anti-itching cream) to the offices of a renowned bribetaker, every month. Other than its symbolic purpose, the bribe-taker might be able to use the cream in Tihar, where one believes fungal itches and ringworm is rife and scratching is a way of life.