Ministry of questionable questions: Satire on India's press conference culture

One of the strange things about being at an Indian press conference - whether of GoI, a state government, Amitabh Bachchan, or BCCI - in a foreign country is that you start to think that rules of media interaction of the foreign country apply. You become bolder, sit up straighter, start thinking that you're Dustin Hoffman in All the President's Men.

Unless you're in China or facing White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt, you suddenly find yourself in a culture where the usual fawning, vetting of questions, and civil service exam-type homilies don't apply. That's Mistake No. 1. You can take the Indian media interaction out of India, but you can't take India out of the Indian media interaction.

Mistake No. 2 is forgetting that whatever you may ask sitting in Oslo or Sarajevo, if it's pertaining to India, the same press con 'etiquette' applies as it does back home - don't be pesky, smart-ass, rude, all these traits liable to be descriptions of anything not considered positive, jubilant, wide-eyed, celebratory.


So, here's what can happen in Vegas, if there's an Indian press conference attended by an Indian journo in Vegas, and that certainly won't stay in Vegas (because no one in Vegas is really interested):

Journo: Thank you for taking my question. Sir, whenever a non-Indian head of state or government visits a foreign country, the cheering crowds are never from their home country. No Americans were lined up in Beijing to cheer Donald Trump. No Chinese Americans are likely to perform a martial arts performance when Xi Jinping visits Washington in September. We've never seen a British monarch or head of government be greeted by British expats, or even Anglo-Indians, in Delhi. Do you think NRIs are the only diasporic community that gets super-turned on by a visiting PM?

Spokesperson: India is the world's oldest civilisation, a cradle of tolerance and truth. Our people, wherever they may be in the world, have always welcomed guests from their 'mother country' with open arms and a sudden urge to put up a dance recital. India does not need non-Indian local cheerleaders. We are self-sufficient in applause. As the Upanishads remind us, the slap is a one-handed clap.

Journalist: Right. Moving on. The new West Bengal government has issued Circular No. 139-CS this week, ruling that members of the services are prohibited from criticising any government policy - whether by publication, utterance, or broadcast. Isn't this a gag order dressed up as administrative protocol? What does it say about India's press freedom?

Spokesperson: India is a civilisation imbued with the highest notions of truth. Our culture is one of tolerance, dialogue, and unfettered articulation that need not always be transmitted in words. The circular is not a prohibition but an invitation to silence, the purest form of speech.

[No one interrupts.]

Please don't interrupt! It is my time to reply in my own time and manner. So please show some respect and let me continue.

[Still no one interrupts.]

Journalist: How would you explain the blocking of Cockroach Janta Party's X account?

Spokesperson: We have the Constitution. [Flexes his arm.] And personal hygiene has been an Indic feature down the ages.

Journalist: Ok, never mind. Let me go back to the Bengal notice dated May 20 that says: 'Complete prohibition on members of the services in indulging in any adverse criticism of any policy or decision of the central or the state government, by any publication, interaction, utterance, publication, broadcast, contribution in any media.' So, if you, as a member of the services, now utter anything considered 'adverse criticism of any policy or decision of the central or the state government,' what would happen to you?

Spokesperson: India is the land of yoga, Parle Melody Chocolaty, Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro, and all 78 episodes of 'Ramayan,' which according to none other than Limca Book of Records, holds the world record of 'most viewed mythological serial'. We are a civilisation that invented zero, and we continue to apply it to critical questions.

Journalist: Did you just say that the Indian government responds to critical questions with nothing?

Spokesperson: Please stop interrupting me! [Two people appear out of nowhere and take him away.]