How to spot & be protected from seductive spies

Over the past week, my wife has caught me staring at her 21 times in what she describes to be 'in a semi-creepy way'. In my defence, over the past week, I have stared not just at my wife, but at random women 'in a semi-creepy way' as well.

One of the 'Thirty-Six Stratagems' mentioned in the 6th c. Chinese essay of the same name to illustrate tactics in war and politics is 'Mein Ren Ji,' or 'The Beauty Trap.' As the name, vaguely similar to 'mind-reading,' may suggest, it involves sending a beautiful woman into an enemy camp to spread confusion, distract the leader, or seduce the target(s) to make mistakes. I don't know what 'making mistakes' is in Chinese. But I can guess it's not 'Incorrect password'.

So, my intent in peering into women's faces over the last one week has been self-preservation. But it also set me thinking: how can one protect oneself from a honeytrap? How can you distinguish a mala fide Mata Hari from a bona fide Jai Mata Di?


At the cost of sounding like a paranoid android, here are 5 of my 5 paise bits on how to spot - and resist - a non-sisterly operative:

1. Attractiveness asymmetry If someone considerably more attractive than you (read: almost anyone) suddenly finds you irresistible, assume foul play. Sure, dorks in the Valley and porks in Mumbai real estate have distressingly discrepant eye candy. But I would suggest extreme caution when anyone above 4 in the beauty scale, perches next to you and asks, 'Say, haven't we met at that Bikaner House do last December?'

2. Interest in your work Unless you're Ranbir Kapoor fresh off the boat as Ram, most love interests maintain a healthy indifference towards what you do professionally. It's one of the prime signs of genuine intimacy. If the person shows a surprising interest in your latest work on company contracts, cybersecurity arrangements, or, suddenly in the middle of the chorus of 'Hookah Bar' on the dance floor, asks you the location of your boss's holiday home, consider them to be red flags. Actually, anything beyond asking how your day went is a red flag.

3. Office party enthusiast Beware the colleague who becomes extraordinarily affectionate after 3 shandies and slurs the word, 'Atmanirbharta' at the annual Christmas party. Especially if this person has never spoken to you before, or more likely, avoids you like the last slide of a PPT.

Alcohol can certainly produce unexpected romantic enthusiasm. But it can also let your guard down well below your waistline. Any romance - after HR approval, of course, and only if she is not your company's vice president of healthcare (check if that position exists at all) - must wait till a midweek tryst next to the coffee machine.

4. Too accommodating Too many agreements - as in, someone who agrees with absolutely everything you say - mean the person has to be professionally trained. If you announce that the Battle of Palashi was fought in 1974, and she responds by gently giggling and telling you your historical knowledge is 'incredibly sexy,' proceed towards the washroom, and keep going.

5. The recorder The clearest warning arrives when someone wants to take a selfie with you. Agree, and the honey has officially become a trap. Asking you to forward your Aadhaar card image so that she can get you a +1 membership at her gym is a classic ploy. Never mind that when you take a look at the two of you at the bar mirror, you realise you do need gymming, and your BFF of the last 20 years has proved to be far less of an incentive than this lady you met 25 minutes ago.

Apart from these 5 precautions, of course, there is one condition that significantly keeps me protected from being honeytrapped: lack of wealth. That can also keep you safe from the next 'Is this seat taken?'

Next week: How to tell whether your partner is AI.