Lolling on Saturday: Spend to Ascend policy leaves nation drowning in bluetooth forks, broken marriages

The Ministry of Economic Stimulation launched a bold new policy: 'Spend to Ascend'. The idea was simple: people who spent more money would be rewarded with higher social status. Buy a fridge? The PM will then tweet about you being a 'Civic Contributor'. Buy a post-GST rate change car. You'll be a 'National Hero'.

But consumers drunk on status and cashback began buying wildly. One man bought 300 inflatable Santoshi Ma idols. A woman installed a modular kitchen, in the bedroom. The economy soared - briefly - before collapsing under the weight of 17 bn novelty mugs and 42 mn Bluetooth-enabled forks.

The government tried reversing the policy with 'Save to Behave'. But it was too late. A   black market emerged for fake receipts and underground spending dens where people bought things in secret just to feel alive.

Diwali Shopper Blues

Raj went to buy a toaster. But the store had a 'Buy 1 Toaster, Get a 75-inch TV and a Pomeranian Free!' deal. He emerged 3 hours later, bruised, holding a pom named Bittu, and no toaster. Six months later and post-divorce, Raj now lives in a 2-BHK apartment with Bittu and his 75-inch TV, constantly questioning capitalism.