Evenings and Weekends

A whale gets stuck in the Thames. It's a rare whale, a big whale, a northern bottlenose whale to be precise. Five metres in length, twelve tonnes of shuddering blubber and bone; thrashing, frantic, wildly distressed, its body half-beached next to shopping trolleys and syringes on Bermondsey Beach. By Friday, it becomes a sensation.

People on Twitter give it a name. They photoshop its image over screenshots from The Simpsons, The Lord of the Rings, and Harry Potter, at first a hilarious meme, then an annoying fad once brands begin using it to sell their products on Instagram. It's suddenly important to have an opinion.

Callers to daytime talk shows wish the whale well and suggest schemes for rescuing it. Crowdfunds are set up, bake sales planned, and thousands of pounds are raised within hours, though some argue that certain causes - food banks, police bail funds, refugees crossing the Mediterranean, injured British army veterans, people in need of gender-affirming care, and generally, Syria - are more deserving of your money....


...Blame is attributed to some combination of carbon emissions, single-use plastics, the European Union, English nationalism, eco-fascism.... The exact ratio of factors is yet to be agreed, but one thing is certain: the whale is bad news.