Barbara, bhabhi and Mehul bhai: What a Caribbean soap opera

Kem chho, Mehul bhai, what is this faltu lafda you have got into! See we are your old friends from India and we don’t understand only where you are stuck. First of all, we cannot pronounce most of the names of those funny islands we are reading about in the newspapers — where is this Antigua and Dominica? Hope they are treating you well in prison and serving wholesome vegetarian food made in pure cow ghee. This is very bad treatment for such a big and famous Indian man, who has been good enough to leave the country to enjoy the hospitality of another country. In our culture we don’t treat guests like this! You went to that funny place simply thinking they will welcome you and offer proper hospitality. Instead, look at the chakkar you are in now.

But, we know you Mehul Bhai! We fully believe your wife Priti bhabhi when she says that chudail Barbara ben is not your girlfriend. You may have been meeting Barbara ben for some tasty home-cooked food at her home. Nothing wrong with that. But I doubt Barbara ben can make decent handvo or dhokla. Then comes the sawaal of the other seven-eight guests who were also in Barbara ben’s home — some people are saying they had flown in a special plane all the way from India to have dinner with you in Dominica. That is very nice of them — Dominica is only 14,108 kilometres from Delhi. It’s okay because those people did not pay to charter the Bombardier 5000 jet from their own pocket. It is said to be your friends in the government who decided to send them on a picnic. Don’t mind, Mehul Bhai, but why didn’t you tell those friendly people from India not to beat you, tape your mouth and force you to leave Barbara ben’s special dinner? If you had done a quick setting with the visitors, everybody would have avoided this jhanjat.

Quietly, you could have made a good offer from the Rs 13,500 crore you took from the bank (people use the word ‘stole’ but we are your friends, so we say ‘took’), then they would not have betrayed you. Barbara ben doesn’t sound like a nice lady at all. Maybe Mehul Bhai, you could have given Barbara ben a handful of the best diamonds from your vast collection. Some jugaad instead of jail. Now, you are in a wheelchair begging all these foreign people to let you stay there only!


Our chhota point is this — if anybody wants to play James Bond, then behave like James Bond. See how James Bond always manages everything with his own government’s help? He does it for his country. Our people should have watched more of his films and taken tips in proper ways to kidnap, torture, extract information — this ‘Mission Unsuccessful’ is so amateur.

Mehul Bhai we were looking forward to seeing you back in India even though they are calling you the ‘top white collar criminal wanted in India’. Why does the colour of your collar matter? It can be yellow, red or blue! At least if you were here, you could eat good Gujju ‘daal-bhaat-shaak-rotli’ in peace and not have to keep worrying about what’s going on behind your back. In fact, Priti bhabhi should have told you long ago to change your ways. Bhabhiji is worried those people will kill you. Better to be in jail in your own country. Why not get beaten here only? You have hired the best lawyers but fighting in your own ‘aangan’ is better than fighting in some strange country nobody has heard of. Be honest Mehul bhai, you must be missing home. You are a typical desi family man — we all know that.

Even Nirav knows it. Best for you to talk to the Prime Minister — arrey baba, not ours — that other country’s. Woh Gaston Browne. Tell him saaf saaf you have nothing against him and are ready to quietly go back and have dinner with Barbara ben in Antigua. That Bombardier 5000 which had come to fetch you is on its way back home. After all, it’s not like some yellow-black hired taxi that will wait. But that may be a temporary reprieve and looks like you may have to face the music at home. We have heard that full band baja baraat will be kept ready in India to welcome you in style. People are very angry about Covid and all that — with your arrival, all that negative khabar will be forgotten. Don’t worry, boss. For us Gujjus, dhanda is dhanda, whether in Dominica or Delhi.