What really kills desire in long-term relationships? It’s not what you think

Couples in long-term relationships often find themselves wondering how to keep the passion alive. Over time, it may feel like the spark has faded—but why does that happen? According to couples therapist Jeff Guenther, the answer isn’t stress, routine, ageing, or even falling out of love. Instead, he points to something far more subtle: emotional fusion.

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In a video posted on May 8, Jeff explained that emotional fusion occurs when two partners become so emotionally intertwined that they begin to lose their individual identities. “Desire doesn’t thrive in sameness,” he said. “It needs space, otherness, and a bit of mystery.” He emphasised that when couples fall into repetitive routines and mirror each other’s emotional states too closely, the intrigue and tension that fuel desire begin to vanish.


Jeff’s view echoes insights from renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel, who says that the tension between security and excitement is what keeps desire alive in long-term relationships. That feeling of curiosity and attraction—so vivid in the early stages of dating—can fade when a relationship becomes too emotionally merged.

Importantly, Jeff clarified that a fading spark doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with the relationship. In fact, couples can still feel deeply secure and in love. The issue is a lack of space—emotional and personal—that’s necessary to reignite attraction.

So, how do you bring the spark back?

Jeff suggests embracing separateness. This doesn’t mean becoming distant or emotionally disconnected. Instead, it means maintaining your own identity, following personal interests, and spending time apart sometimes, not always together. “Watching your partner shine without you is sometimes what makes you want them more,” he said.

He recommends flirting again, teasing, and creating room for longing. “Desire grows in the space between two people,” Jeff noted. “When you allow that space, you allow the spark to reappear.”

Ultimately, emotional closeness is essential—but so is maintaining enough individuality to keep things exciting. Long-term love doesn’t have to mean the end of desire. Just give each other a little space to miss—and want—each other again.