Suriya's parenting tip: why “you didn’t come first” can affect a child’s confidence; one sports day incident that changed his perspective

School today often carries more weight than just learning for many children, it's tied to marks, ranks and constant comparison. The pressure to be "the best" can start early, and actor Suriya has spoken candidly about this issue. An old conversation of his with Vanitha TV has resurfaced online, striking a chord with many who related to his thoughts on childhood, competition, and raising emotionally aware kids.

How "You Didn't Come First" Shapes a Child's Mind

Suriya pointed out how easily parents shift focus to what a child didn't achieve rather than what they did. He explained, "If they're getting 18 marks, you're not happy. 'You didn't come first. Oh, you didn't come first at all in class.' We put that in their mind."

His concern wasn't that parents shouldn't encourage effort, it was about how constant comparisons chip away at a child's self-belief. When kids repeatedly hear that finishing first is everything, they may begin equating anything less with failure, gradually losing sight of the joy of learning or exploring their own talents.

The Real Issue Is Pressure, Not Competition Itself

Suriya clarified that competition itself isn't something to avoid, it can push children to try harder. What he cautioned against was competition turning aggressive, where kids feel they must outdo everyone else. "That hardcore competitiveness is nice. Just let them not be very, very aggressive about it," he said, adding that empathy toward others matters just as much as ambition. He also touched on the broader system, how tough college cutoffs and admission pressures weigh heavily on students and parents. Yet, he believes children should still get room to simply enjoy being kids.

A Sports Day Moment That Taught Him a Bigger Lesson

Suriya recounted an incident involving his son Dev during a school sports day. The event required kids to run, grab a water bottle, and race back. Confident in his son's speed, Suriya believed his son had a strong chance of winning.

Midway through the race, though, Dev paused not because he was tired, but to pick up a blue bottle, his favourite colour. He then went looking for another one, eventually returning with a pink bottle too, because he remembered his sister Diya loved that colour.

Dev lost the race. But when he told his father why, Suriya realised his son had prioritised something far more meaningful than winning, he had thought of his sister entirely on his own.

"I'm Good At Certain Things"

What struck Suriya even more was Dev's reaction to losing. There was no jealousy or disappointment, just quiet acceptance. "He runs very well. Nobody can beat him. He's the fastest in our class," Dev told his father about the boy who won.

At the same time, Dev recognised his own strengths, pointing out that he was better at drawing than the boy who'd beaten him in the race. Suriya was struck by how naturally his son understood that different people excel in different ways, without anyone teaching him that lesson. "Nobody had coached him to think that way," he said.

Every Child Doesn't Have to Finish First

Suriya's larger message is simple: childhood shouldn't feel like a race everyone must win. One child may not top the class but could be a gifted artist. Another may not run the fastest but might be kind, imaginative, or a wonderful friend. Some talents surface early, others take time.

Parents, he suggests, can still push children to do their best, without tying their worth to rank or marks. Because in the end, being first in class is just one kind of achievement. Learning to value others, recognise one's own strengths, and stay kind while competing might matter far more in the long run.

[With TOI inputs]