Psychology explains why some people dream of leaving everything behind after years of doing what was expected of them instead of what they truly wanted

On a rooftop in Bangkok, with traffic moving eight floors below, a person admitted that she sometimes imagines getting on a plane and simply not coming back. Then she apologised. Actually apologised for the crime of having an inner life.

That reaction is more interesting than the daydream itself. Wanting a different life does not necessarily mean you are unhappy with the one you have. Sometimes, it is a sign that another part of you is asking to be heard.

The Three Versions Of Ourselves

Psychologists often describe the self in three parts: the actual self, the person you believe you are today; the ideal self, the person you hope to become; and the ought self, the person you believe you should be because of responsibilities, duties and other people's expectations.


Most people are very familiar with the ought self. It comes with clear instructions: Be reliable. Pay the rent. Call your mother. Keep your promises. Do what is expected of you.

The ideal self is different. It has no clear checklist. It tells you to be brave, curious, creative or adventurous. Because there is usually no deadline attached to these desires, they can easily be pushed aside while you deal with everyday responsibilities.

Why We Regret The Life We Did Not Try

Research by Shai Davidai and Thomas Gilovich found that people tend to experience their longest-lasting regrets when they fail to become the person they wanted to be.

The reason is simple. Many everyday mistakes can be repaired. You can apologise, repay money, correct a mistake or make up for being late. But there is often no easy way to fix a life you never attempted.

That is why the job you never applied for, the place you never moved to or the passion you never pursued can stay in your mind for years.

What If Your Goals Aren't Really Yours?

Kennon Sheldon and Andrew Elliot also studied the difference between goals people genuinely want and goals they pursue because of pressure, guilt or expectations.

Their findings suggest that people who work towards goals that match their own values are more likely to put effort into them and experience greater wellbeing when they achieve them.

This explains why reaching a goal can sometimes feel surprisingly empty.

You get the promotion. Everyone around you is happy. You have achieved exactly what you were supposed to achieve, yet you find yourself wondering why you do not feel happier.

The problem may not be that you are ungrateful. The goal may simply have belonged to someone else's idea of the life you should live.

You Don't Have To Change Your Whole Life Overnight

A daydream about another life does not automatically mean you should quit your job, leave your relationship or buy a one-way plane ticket.

Instead, treat the feeling as information.

Write the wish down in one sentence, in your own handwriting, with no audience. Name one internal obstacle. Then build the smallest test you can run inside your current life, something you can do for a fortnight without resigning, moving, or announcing anything.

Take a class. Write two hundred words before work. Spend a weekend exploring something you have always been curious about. Try the small version before deciding whether you want the bigger one.

The point is not to escape your life. It is to find out whether the life you keep imagining deserves a place in the one you already have.