Grandparents love grandkids more than their children? A 2021 psychology study explains why they shower their grandchildren with more affection, attention and warmth

Psychology behind grandparents loving their grandchildren more than their children: There is a familiar family joke that grandparents seem to love their grandchildren more than they ever loved their own children. They spoil them, forgive their tantrums, shower them with attention and often seem far more relaxed than they were while raising their own children. But is there actually a psychological or neurological reason behind this difference?

Research from Emory University offers an intriguing explanation. A 2021 study examined the brain activity of grandmothers as they looked at photographs of their grandchildren and adult children. The researchers found that the two relationships activated different patterns of empathy in the brain.

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The findings do not show that grandmothers love their grandchildren more than their children. Instead, they suggest that the emotional experience of being a grandmother may be different from that of being a parent.

Psychology behind grandparents loving their grandchildren more than their children: How grandmothers' brains respond to grandchildren

The study, published in Proceedings of the Royal Society B, was the first to examine grandmaternal brain function using functional magnetic resonance imaging, or fMRI. Researchers from Emory University studied 50 healthy grandmothers and measured their brain activity while they looked at photographs.

The women viewed photographs of their grandchildren, an unfamiliar child, the same-sex parent of the grandchild and an unfamiliar adult.

When the grandmothers looked at photographs of their grandchildren, most showed stronger activity in areas of the brain associated with emotional empathy and movement.

James Rilling, lead author of the study and professor at Emory University, explained the significance of the finding.

“What really jumps out in the data is the activation in areas of the brain associated with emotional empathy.”

Rilling said this suggests that grandmothers may be particularly tuned in to the emotions of their grandchildren.

“If their grandchild is smiling, they’re feeling the child’s joy. And if their grandchild is crying, they’re feeling the child’s pain and distress.”

In other words, seeing a grandchild may trigger a particularly strong emotional response.

Grandmothers respond differently to their adult children

The researchers also looked at what happened when the same grandmothers viewed photographs of their adult children. The pattern was different.

Rather than showing the same level of activation in areas linked to emotional empathy, the grandmothers showed stronger activity in an area associated with cognitive empathy.

Cognitive empathy involves trying to understand what another person is thinking or feeling and why. Emotional empathy, by contrast, involves more directly sharing or resonating with another person's emotional state. That distinction is important.

The findings do not mean that grandmothers have less love for their adult children. Instead, their brains appeared to process the two relationships differently.

Rilling offered one possible explanation, noting that young children may have evolved characteristics that particularly engage caregiving systems in the brain.

“An adult child doesn’t have the same cute ‘factor,’ so they may not illicit the same emotional response.”

Why grandparents can seem more relaxed with grandchildren

Neuroscience may explain part of the picture, but there is also a simple psychological difference between parenting and grandparenting.

Parents are responsible for raising a child. That means love is often accompanied by worry, discipline, financial pressure and difficult decisions.

Parents have to think about whether their children are safe, healthy, behaving appropriately and developing well. They have to set boundaries, correct behaviour and make choices that may upset their children in the short term. Grandparents usually have a different role.

They can enjoy the child without carrying the same day-to-day responsibility for raising them. They may have more time and emotional space to play, listen, cuddle and enjoy the relationship.

Rilling said this came through in his conversations with the women who took part in the study.

“Many of them also said how nice it is to not be under as much time and financial pressure as they were when raising their children.”

He added: “They get to enjoy the experience of being a grandmother much more than they did being parents.”

That does not mean parenting was less meaningful. It simply means the circumstances surrounding the relationship can be very different.

Neal K. Shah explains why grandparents seem to love differently

The idea has also been discussed by Neal K. Shah, an elder-care researcher and co-founder of CareYaya who describes himself as America's Chief Elder Officer.

In a video discussing the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren, Shah argues that the difference may have less to do with the amount of love and more to do with the pressure attached to parenting.

As Shah puts it: “It is not that the love is bigger. It is that the pressure is gone.”

He explains that when people are raising their own children, love can become intertwined with constant concerns about their safety, health and future.

“When you are raising your own children, love comes tangled up with worry.”

According to Shah's explanation, grandparents can experience a greater sense of freedom because they are not carrying the same responsibility for every decision.

“Grandparents get to love without carrying that weight.”

This allows them to focus more easily on the enjoyable parts of the relationship, playing, spending time together and simply being present.

Shah's interpretation is a useful way of describing the difference between parenting and grandparenting, but it should not be confused with the findings of the Emory brain study. The Emory researchers did not conclude that grandparents love their grandchildren more.

‘This time I just get to show up’

Shah also describes the emotional difference through the perspective of grandparents themselves.

In his account, grandparents may feel that they can enjoy a child without the same fear and judgement they experienced while raising their own children.

He summarises the idea by saying: “This time I just get to show up and feel every single moment without the weight of the world on my shoulders.”

That idea closely echoes something the Emory researchers heard from their participants: many grandmothers appreciated not having the same time and financial pressures they had experienced while raising their children.

However, it is important to distinguish between the study and Shah's interpretation. The Emory study measured brain activity and collected questionnaires; it did not ask participants to prove whether they loved grandchildren more than their own children.

Grandchildren may trigger stronger emotional empathy

One of the most interesting findings from the Emory research was the difference between emotional and cognitive empathy.

When grandmothers viewed their grandchildren, brain areas involved in emotional empathy were particularly active. When they looked at their adult children, areas linked to cognitive empathy showed stronger activation.

This could help explain why a grandmother might immediately react to a grandchild's smile, laugh or cry, while her relationship with her adult child may involve more conversation, reasoning and attempts to understand what the adult is experiencing.

It is not a hierarchy of love. It is a difference in how the brain responds to two very different relationships.

The grandmother hypothesis may explain the evolutionary connection

The researchers also placed their findings in the wider context of the grandmother hypothesis.

Humans are unusual because women can live for many years beyond their reproductive years. One evolutionary explanation is that older women may have provided important benefits to their children and grandchildren.

Previous research among the Hadza people of Tanzania, for example, found that grandmothers' foraging activities could improve the nutritional status of grandchildren. Other research in traditional communities has linked the presence of grandmothers with shorter intervals between their daughters' births and an increased number of grandchildren.

The idea is that older women can contribute to the survival and wellbeing of younger generations even after they are no longer having children themselves.

Grandmothers can influence children's development

The importance of the grandparent-grandchild relationship may extend beyond affection.

According to Emory researchers, evidence from modern societies suggests that positively engaged grandmothers are associated with better outcomes for children across areas including academic performance, social development, behaviour and physical health.

Minwoo Lee, an Emory researcher and co-author of the study, said the neuroscience of older adults has often focused on dementia and other ageing-related disorders.

He explained that the study aimed to highlight another side of the ageing brain.

“We're highlighting the brain functions of grandmothers that may play an important role in our social lives and development.”

Lee added that this was an important part of human experience that had largely been left out of neuroscience.

The study also found a link with caregiving

The researchers found that grandmothers who showed stronger activation in brain regions involved in cognitive empathy when viewing their grandchildren were also more likely to report that they wanted greater involvement in caring for them.

The study also compared the findings with earlier research from Rilling's laboratory examining fathers looking at photographs of their children. On average, grandmothers showed stronger activation in regions associated with emotional empathy and motivation when viewing their grandchildren.

Rilling said the results add to evidence for what appears to be a broader caregiving system in the human brain.

“Our results add to the evidence that there does seem to be a global parenting caregiving system in the brain, and that grandmothers’ responses to their grandchildren maps onto it.”

Grandparents do not always have an easy role

The research also revealed that being a grandparent is not completely free from stress.

One of the main challenges reported by the grandmothers was trying not to interfere when they disagreed with their adult children about how their grandchildren should be raised or what values they should learn.

So while grandparents may have more freedom than parents, they can still face complicated family dynamics.

What the research really tells us about grandparents and grandchildren

So, do grandparents love their grandchildren more than their own children?

Science does not give us a simple yes. The Emory research suggests something more nuanced. Grandmothers may experience stronger emotional empathy when looking at their grandchildren, while their brains show more cognitive empathy when they look at their adult children.

Psychologically, grandparents may also have more freedom to enjoy the relationship because they are no longer carrying the full responsibility of raising a child.

That may be why their affection can appear more relaxed, playful and openly emotional.

As Neal K. Shah puts it: “It is not that the love is bigger. It is that the pressure is gone.”