Quote of the day by Danny DeVito: ‘There are two dilemmas that rattle the human skull…’ – actor on the strange complications of love and relationships

Relationships can be comforting, complicated and, sometimes, almost impossible to escape. One person may desperately want another to stay, while someone else may find themselves wishing a persistent presence would finally disappear.

Danny DeVito captured that peculiar contradiction with the kind of dark humour that has become closely associated with his career. Beneath the joke is a familiar question about attachment: why do we sometimes chase people who are leaving while struggling to let go of those who refuse to leave?

Who is Danny DeVito?

Born on November 17, 1944, in Neptune Township, New Jersey, DeVito grew up in a working-class Italian-American family and was the youngest of five children. Before becoming an actor, he trained as a hairdresser and worked in his sister's salon. He later studied at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, where acting became his chosen profession.

His breakthrough came with One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest in 1975, followed by his role as Louie De Palma in the television series Taxi. The character earned him an Emmy Award and helped establish him as a distinctive comic performer.

Hollywood soon gave him opportunities both in front of and behind the camera. He appeared in films including Romancing the Stone, Twins, Batman Returns, Get Shorty and Matilda. He also directed films such as Throw Momma from the Train, The War of the Roses and Hoffa.

His production company, Jersey Films, was behind movies including Pulp Fiction, Erin Brockovich, Get Shorty and Matilda, giving DeVito a substantial role in Hollywood beyond acting.

Later generations also came to know him as Frank Reynolds in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, a role that introduced his eccentric comic style to an entirely new television audience.

Quote of the day

“There are two dilemmas that rattle the human skull: How do you hang on to someone who won't stay? And how do you get rid of someone who won't go?”

The line is associated with DeVito's character Gavin D'Amato in The War of the Roses, the 1989 dark comedy directed by DeVito and starring Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner. The film centres on a wealthy married couple whose relationship deteriorates into a bitter battle over separation and their home. The quotation has subsequently circulated widely as a standalone observation about relationships.

What does the quote mean?

The humour comes from putting two opposite relationship problems next to each other. The first dilemma describes the pain of wanting to preserve a relationship when the other person is already pulling away. The second reverses the situation: someone wants distance, but the other person refuses to disappear.

Together, the two questions point toward one uncomfortable truth about human attachment: we don't always want what we have, and we don't always have what we want.

The wording is deliberately exaggerated, "rattle the human skull" makes an ordinary relationship problem sound almost like an existential crisis. That exaggeration is what gives the observation its comic edge.

But there is something recognizable beneath the joke. Relationships involve two people's choices, desires and boundaries, which means affection cannot always be controlled by the person experiencing it. One person can want to stay while another wants to leave; conversely, one person can desperately want separation while the other continues trying to hold on.

DeVito's line turns that emotional contradiction into a neat comic paradox.

More quotes by Danny DeVito

“My most treasured possession? My life.”

“The most important lesson life has taught you? There's no certainty.”

“It all worked out for me. Life is good.”

“Right now is the most important moment in your entire life.”

“You have to. It's like something the Dalai Lama once said – that whole philosophy of going into the mouth of the dragon – facing who you are.”

Why the quote still feels familiar

DeVito's observation works because it doesn't present relationships as neat or predictable. Sometimes the difficult part is accepting that someone is leaving. At other times, the challenge is establishing enough distance from someone who refuses to let go.

By presenting both situations as equally maddening, DeVito turns the confusion of human relationships into something audiences can laugh at, precisely because the contradiction is so recognizable.