Psychology says compliments can feel uncomfortable even when you secretly wanted them

There is a strange contradiction in the way people sometimes respond to praise. You may spend weeks hoping someone notices your work, appearance or effort, only to feel awkward when they finally say something nice. You smile, look away, laugh or immediately explain why the compliment is not really deserved. "You look great today" becomes "Really? I barely did anything." "That presentation was excellent" gets answered with "It wasn't that good." Psychology suggests this reaction is not necessarily ingratitude or false modesty. For some people, especially those with negative or uncertain self-views, a compliment can create a mismatch between how they see themselves and how another person sees them.

Research by psychologists David Kille, Richard Eibach, Joanne Wood and John Holmes found that people with lower self-esteem had more difficulty accepting and benefiting from compliments, partly because positive feedback conflicted with their existing self-beliefs.

Psychology says a compliment can challenge your self-image

One of the most useful concepts for understanding uncomfortable praise is self-verification theory, developed by psychologist William Swann.



The theory proposes that people are motivated to maintain a sense of consistency between their experiences and their existing beliefs about themselves. In simple terms, people often want others to see them in ways that feel familiar, even when those beliefs are negative.

Imagine someone who privately believes they are not particularly talented. Their manager says, "You handled that project brilliantly."

The compliment is positive, but it does not fit the person's internal picture.

Instead of simply feeling good, their brain may begin asking questions: Did they really mean that? Are they just being polite? Did I actually deserve it? The discomfort comes from the mismatch.

Self-verification theory explains why praise can feel "wrong"

Research by Swann, Pelham and Krull examined the tension between self-enhancement, wanting positive information, and self-verification, wanting information that feels consistent with one's self-view. Their findings showed that people's responses to feedback can depend on whether that feedback matches their existing self-conceptions.

This creates an interesting psychological situation. You can want recognition while simultaneously struggling to believe it.

For example, someone might desperately want their writing to be noticed but, when a colleague says, "You're a really talented writer," immediately dismiss the comment.

The person wanted validation. But accepting it requires updating their self-image. That can feel surprisingly uncomfortable.

Low self-esteem can make positive feedback harder to accept

This does not mean everyone who dislikes compliments has low self-esteem. However, research has found a connection between self-esteem and responses to praise.

In a 2017 study, Kille and colleagues found that participants with lower self-esteem experienced more self-related concerns and negative affect after receiving compliments. They were also more likely to devalue the positive feedback.

Consider someone who constantly worries about their appearance. If a friend says, "You look really good today," the compliment may briefly feel nice. But if it conflicts with a deeply held belief such as "I never look good," the person may immediately search for an explanation.

"She is just being nice."

"The lighting is good."

"She probably says that to everyone."

The compliment is not necessarily rejected because the person does not appreciate the friend. It may be rejected because the positive information does not fit their existing self-theory.

Sometimes people are uncomfortable because compliments create attention

There is another reason praise can feel awkward: social attention. A compliment puts the recipient in the spotlight. Someone who prefers to keep a low profile may suddenly become aware of their facial expression, body language and response.

"How should I react?"

"Do I say thank you?"

"Will I sound arrogant if I agree?"

This can create self-consciousness. Compliments are also social acts rather than merely statements about someone's qualities. Linguist Janet Holmes, in her research on compliment exchanges, described compliments as forms of positive politeness while also noting that they can create interactional complications for the person receiving them.

That helps explain why a simple "You did a great job" can sometimes produce an unexpectedly complicated response.

The fear of looking arrogant can get in the way

Many people learn that accepting praise too enthusiastically can make them appear conceited. Someone says, "Your presentation was fantastic."

You think, Thank you. But what comes out is, "Oh, it was nothing."

This is partly a social-performance problem. You are not only deciding whether you believe the compliment. You are also deciding how much agreement is socially acceptable. That is why people sometimes use self-deprecating humor after receiving praise.

"Thanks, but you should have seen the first version."

The joke can reduce the intensity of the attention while allowing the person to acknowledge the compliment.

A compliment can feel more believable when it is specific

Not all praise carries the same psychological weight. Compare these two statements:

"You're amazing."

"Your explanation of that complicated idea was really clear."

The second compliment provides a concrete reason. Specific praise can feel easier to process because the recipient has something tangible to connect it to. This is particularly relevant for people who struggle to accept broad positive statements about themselves.

If someone does not believe "I am talented," they may still be able to accept "I explained that part clearly."

Research on compliments and low self-esteem also suggests that how people construe and interpret positive feedback can affect whether they are able to capitalize on it. Kille and colleagues found that encouraging a more concrete mindset could reduce the gap between people with lower and higher self-esteem in how they perceived positive regard from close others.

Sometimes you want recognition more than praise

There is an important distinction between wanting a compliment and wanting to feel seen. Someone might not actually need to hear, "You're the best."

They may simply want another person to notice the effort involved. For example, a parent who has spent hours organizing a family event may appreciate hearing, "I noticed how much work you put into making everyone comfortable."

That kind of recognition can feel less like a judgment of personal worth and more like acknowledgment of something concrete. It may therefore be easier to accept.

Positive feedback can become easier when it feels connected to reality

Research by Denise Marigold, John Holmes and Michael Ross found that people with low self-esteem could respond more positively to compliments from romantic partners when they were encouraged to think about the meaning and significance of those compliments. They reported more positive feelings about the compliment, themselves and their relationships.

That finding offers an important clue. The solution may not be simply telling someone, "You need to accept compliments." It may be helping them connect positive feedback with specific evidence.

Instead of thinking, They think I'm wonderful, a person might consider, They noticed that I stayed late to help with that project. The second statement is easier to evaluate.

Why the awkward reaction does not mean you disliked the compliment

Sometimes the person who says, "Oh, stop," actually wanted someone to notice.

The awkwardness may come from the sudden exposure that accompanies being seen positively. You can simultaneously want recognition and feel vulnerable when you receive it. That apparent contradiction is surprisingly human.

A compliment can provide warmth while also challenging your self-image, drawing attention to you and creating uncertainty about how you are expected to respond.

The next time someone compliments you and you feel the urge to immediately dismiss it, there may be more happening than simple modesty.

Your brain may be trying to reconcile two ideas: the person you believe you are and the person someone else just told you they see.

Sometimes, accepting the compliment means allowing those two pictures to become a little more similar.

FAQs

Why do compliments sometimes make people uncomfortable?

Compliments can create discomfort when positive feedback conflicts with someone's existing self-image, attracts unwanted attention or makes them uncertain about how they should respond socially. Research has particularly linked difficulty accepting compliments with lower self-esteem and negative self-views.

Does rejecting compliments always mean someone has low self-esteem?

No. Someone may deflect praise because of cultural norms, modesty, social anxiety, discomfort with attention or simply a learned conversational habit. Low self-esteem is one possible explanation, not a diagnosis.