Quote of the day by Abraham Twerski: ‘So much of what is love, is fish love,’ and what the American rabbi meant by it

We talk about love constantly. We fall into it, chase it, lose it, write songs about it, and build entire lives around it. Yet, according to one American rabbi, much of what we confidently label as love is little more than appetite, dressed up as affection. That idea sits at the heart of one of Rabbi Abraham Twerski’s most enduring reflections, often summed up in a deceptively simple phrase: ‘fish love.’

Quote of the day by Abraham Twerski: “So much of what is love, is fish love.”

What is ‘fish love’?

“So much of what is love is fish love,” Rabbi Twerski once said, before illustrating his point with a parable. A young man is asked why he is eating a fish. “Because I love fish,” he replies. “Oh,” comes the response. “You love the fish? That’s why you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it?”

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Rabbi Twerski continues: “Don’t tell me you love the fish. You love yourself, and because the fish tastes good to you, therefore, you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it.”

He then applies the same logic to romantic relationships. When a young man and woman say they are in love, he argues, it often means each has found someone they believe will satisfy their own emotional and physical needs. The other person becomes, in his words, “a vehicle for my gratification.” “Too much of what is called love is fish love,” he said.

What he really meant by true love

For Rabbi Twerski, real love was not about what one receives, but what one gives. Quoting the ethicist Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler, he explained that people mistakenly believe they give to those they love, when the truth is the opposite: they love those to whom they give.

“If I give something to you, I’ve invested myself in you,” Twerski explained. “And since self-love is a given, now that part of me is in you, there’s a part of you that I love.” In this framework, love grows through giving, sacrifice, and responsibility, not desire or consumption. True love, he argued, is an outward movement of care, not an inward pursuit of gratification.

Who was Rabbi Abraham Twerski?

Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski was a Chassidic rabbi, psychiatrist, and one of America’s most influential voices on addiction, self-deception, and spiritual growth. Over his lifetime, he authored more than 60 books, including the widely read Addictive Thinking: Understanding Self-Deception, blending Jewish ethics with modern psychology.

He was the founder and longtime head of the Gateway Rehabilitation Center in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, one of the United States’ leading addiction treatment facilities, where he helped thousands recover from substance abuse. Born Avraham Yehoshua Heschel Twerski in 1930 in Milwaukee, he came from the Hornesteipel Chassidic dynasty, tracing its lineage to the Rebbes of Chernobyl. His father, Rabbi Yaakov Yisrael Twerski, moved to Wisconsin in 1927 and became a widely respected community counselor, a role that deeply influenced Twerski’s own path.

Rabbi Twerski passed away on January 31 in Jerusalem from complications related to coronavirus. He was 90. Yet his ideas, especially the uncomfortable reminder that love is often selfish before it is selfless, continue to exist. In a world quick to say "I love you," his question lingers quietly underneath: Is it love or is it just fish?