Top American psychologists say marriage was not designed to make you happy 24X7. Four habits that destroy a marriage

Many people step into marriage believing that once they find the right partner, everything else will naturally fall into place. They expect communication to be smooth, disagreements to stay small, and happiness to feel constant. But psychologists say that expectation itself can create unnecessary pressure. Research suggests that successful marriages are not free from conflict. Instead, they are built on how couples deal with difficult moments together.

Relationship expert John Gottman has long argued that conflict is not what breaks a marriage. Healthy couples argue too. What matters is whether they know how to repair the relationship after disagreements instead of allowing resentment to grow over time.

According to Gottman's research, marriage often brings out personal weaknesses that people may not have noticed before. It can reveal defensiveness, impatience, poor communication habits and even the inability to apologise without making the situation worse. The idea, psychologists say, is not to expect happiness every hour of every day but to learn how to grow together through ordinary challenges.


Another relationship researcher and John's partner, Julie Gottman, has also said that healthy relationships require balance. Giving up all your own needs or boundaries to keep a partner happy is not healthy, but neither is expecting a relationship to work without compromise, emotional awareness and mutual respect.

Harvard-trained psychiatrist shares four habits that damage marriages

Harvard-trained psychiatrist Kavetha Sundaramoorthy (Dr. Kavetha Sun, M.D.) has shared four communication patterns on Instagram that she believes can slowly damage a marriage.

The first is when arguments become repetitive. As she explained: "Hi, I'm a Harvard-trained psychiatrist and here are four toxic communication patterns in a marriage. Number one, the arguments feel predictable and repetitive, meaning it's always the same few topics. One person criticizes, the other person gets defensive, one person shuts down, the other person leaves the room. Same thing. And once it gets going, it takes on a life of its own."

The second habit is using personal attacks instead of discussing the actual issue. She said this includes remarks such as: "You are selfish, you're just like your mom, you're only with me because of the kids."

The third warning sign is avoiding repair after an argument. Instead of discussing what went wrong and how to prevent it next time, couples simply ignore the problem and hope it disappears.

The fourth is not creating a regular space to discuss emotional hurts or unmet expectations. According to her, this often leads to bottled-up resentment until one incident becomes "the last straw" and the entire cycle starts again.

Communication patterns linked to divorce

According to CNBC, in his book What Predicts Divorce?, Dr. John Gottman identified four communication habits that are especially harmful to relationships after studying around 40,000 couples. These are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.

Among them, Gottman says contempt is the strongest predictor of divorce. Contempt goes beyond criticism. It involves treating a partner as inferior through ridicule, mockery, name-calling, eye-rolling or dismissive behaviour. Over time, this weakens trust and creates the feeling that partners are working against each other rather than solving problems together.

Experts also recommend replacing blame with honest conversations about feelings, making specific requests instead of personal attacks, and regularly expressing appreciation. Gottman's research has found that strong relationships usually have far more positive interactions than negative ones, helping couples maintain connection even during difficult phases.