Sadhguru on modern relationships: What people often get wrong when choosing a partner? The mistakes to avoid | EXCLUSIVE

Choosing a life partner is often treated as one of the biggest decisions a person can make. From personality and compatibility to career, lifestyle and financial stability, people consider several factors before committing to a relationship. But according to Sadhguru, there is a deeper question that is often overlooked: How comfortable are you with who you are before choosing someone to share your life with?

The founder of Isha Foundation recently spoke to The Economic Times about his journey to bring the book to life, modern life and the choices people make while discussing his new photography book, Disappearing Faces. The book, published by Penguin India, features photographs of people Sadhguru encountered during his journeys through the remote Himalayan regions of Nepal and Tibet. Union minister Mansukh Mandaviya launched the book at the India International Centre in New Delhi on Monday.

In an exclusive conversation, Sadhguru opened up about how modern aspirations can influence everything from career choices to the kind of partner people look for.

Sadhguru on why people begin relationships with ‘having’ in mind

According to Sadhguru, one of the biggest mistakes people make is deciding what they want their life to look like before understanding themselves. He explained that people often start with the things they want to “have”, including a certain lifestyle, house, career or partner, and then work backwards to figure out how to achieve them.

He stated, "The way life happens is first being, then doing, and then having. But right now, people always think first of having. For example, when you were at a certain stage of life, you may have decided that you want to have a certain kind of life that includes a certain kind of partner, a house, and whatever else. Then you think, “How can I have all this?” The moment you start thinking how to get it, people around you start advising you. Then you start thinking about becoming a doctor, lawyer, software engineer, or whatever. Once you are in one of these professions for a period of time, you think you have become something, and that is when you start moving against life. You are going the “having-doing-being” way, which leads to an endless pursuit of having. This is the basis of an unfulfilled life."

He said that this approach is part of a larger pattern in which people put “having” before “doing” and “being”. According to him, constantly pursuing an external idea of success can eventually take people away from their natural way of living.

Why knowing yourself should come before choosing a partner

For Sadhguru, the starting point should be "being". He believes a person should first establish their own sense of wellbeing and clarity instead of expecting a relationship or material achievement to provide it.

In simple terms, this means people should not enter a relationship believing that another person will complete their life or give them a sense of identity. A partner can become an important part of one's journey, but Sadhguru's argument is that one's fundamental sense of fulfilment should come from within.

He said that whether a person eventually gets what they desire, including a particular lifestyle or relationship, depends on their capabilities and the circumstances around them. But the quality of their life is ultimately determined by their way of being.

Sadhguru's ‘being-doing-having’ approach to relationships

Sadhguru's larger message is to reverse the order in which people approach life. Instead of starting with what they want to have, he suggests beginning with who they are, followed by what they want to do, and finally what they may acquire.

He described this shift from “having-doing-being” to "being-doing-having" as a simple but significant change.

In his view, "You must first establish your way of being. Then, whether you get to have what you desire or not, you will still be wonderful. The quality of your life is decided by your way of being. What you get to have is only a question of capability and situations that are conducive. If you make this simple shift to “being-doing-having,” then a large part of your destiny will be by your will."

Applied to relationships, the idea suggests that people should not choose a partner simply to achieve a particular version of life. Before looking for the "right" person, they should understand themselves, their priorities and the kind of life they genuinely want to lead.

His comments has a different way of looking at modern relationships: rather than asking only, "What kind of partner do I want?", the more important question may be, "Who am I, and how do I want to be in a relationship?"