Renee Zellweger's letter to Dr. D

Dear Dr D

Would you believe it, if I told you, that it was all just a playful mistake? You know that game people play when they describe the perfect face? Well we were playing that, and here’s what I said it should look like:

*Eyes like Jane Fonda
*Cheekbones like Angeline Jolie
*Chin like Bridgette Bardot
*Brow like Megan Fox

And so on, you know how it works. Unfortunately, this game was being played between me and my plastic surgeon who assumed that I really wanted these changes. Now, I may or may not have, but I don’t think it was right of him to go ahead and get them all done at once. All I was seeing him for was a little Hollywood tuck and nip… Anyway, so I woke up, groggy from surgery and was shown a mirror and shouted at (“Surprise!” — those words never having been used in truer fashion). I didn’t know it was a mirror at first. This person is familiar… nice face… I thought as the anesthetic was slowly wearing off. So here we are then. The doctor, who thought he was giving me a present, is now terrified at what he’s done. My cat is refusing to come to me. And I cannot tell you the nightmares the assistant directors are having about continuity scenes.

But I’m happy, Doc, and that’s the reason I’m writing to you. I am looking 10 years younger, even though it may be as someone else. And, truth be told, I like all the attention. When was the last time an actress in her mid-40s got global attention?

And hey, at least the surgeon began before I completed my list: ears like Mr Spock, hair like Persis Khambatta, and then Dolly Parton… Whew, I dodged a bullet there, Doc. So how do I communicate to the world that it’s not as if I feel like Mr Hyde, that I am not some object of pity and that, best of all, I am back in the market as a star?

R Zellweger

Dear Renee

Live your life as you must and be happy. But know that the world will always have a ‘before and after’ view of you. There is one way to escape that — a new identity that goes with your new face. A witness protection program but without the hiding. Consider starting life afresh, as your face has, Ms Zenee Wellweger.

STATUTORY WARNING: This humour column is not for the weak-kneed or the thin-skinned.