Not just married couples, now even men & their mistresses go for marital counselling

It appears it isn't always the Mr and Mrs who are seeing marriage therapists+ , but Mr and his mistress as well.

Therapists say it is increasingly common for them to face rather unusual couples — men or women who come in with the people they are having extramarital affairs with. Psychiatrist Dr Lakshmi Vijaykumar of Chennai counts at least one extramarital couple every other week, up from a decade ago when the only couples she saw for marital counselling were, well, married.

"I usually see this with people in the IT or BPO sectors who start affairs at the workplace," says Dr Vijaykumar. "The most common reason they decide to see a therapist is because one of them wants to keep the affair merely physical while the other is emotionally invested," she says.

Clinical psychologist Pulkit Sharma of Delhi says such relationships have always existed but now, "in a gender-sensitized society, men and women are more vocal about their needs".

'Extramarital affairs more volatile than marriages'
Dr Vijaykumar recounts a case of a married man who walked in with his colleague and mistress. "It had begun as a physical relationship but she was distressed as she wanted more commitment and he was not planning to give it. But, he did not want to end it either. They came for several therapy sessions just as a married couple would," says Dr Vijaykumar, who adds that sometimes couples sign up for regular sessions. "Relationships are always complicated. This is just another dimension," she explains.

Seema Hingorrany, a marriage counsellor from Mumbai, says she started seeing about three such couples a month about five years ago. "Now, I see over 10. And, an equal number are married women who walk in with their boyfriends," she says. "The man usually begins the introduction with, 'This is my girlfriend, not my wife'. They will say things like 'we are spiritually one' or 'we are married in mind'," she says. Hingorrany says extramarital relationships are messier and more volatile than marriages. "After all, there is a lot of negativity, financial issues and children to consider," she says.

Sometimes the odd couples consult counsellors about sexual performance+ , differences in interests and life goals. "This usually happens when a man has an affair with a woman who is 10 or 15 years younger than him," says marriage counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo.

At the office of life coach and counsellor Saras Bhaskar in Chennai, a married woman and her partner made an appointment because the woman felt he was getting too emotionally attached. "As psychologists, we are not here to rationalize relationships but to understand and work with couples in an objective manner without judgment," says Bhaskar.

"When you look at the couple from that perspective, the lines of who they are blur. They just become a couple in need of help to resolve their issues."

(With inputs from Shobita Dhar and Malathy Iyer)