Missteps, depression & suicide: Sabyasachi Mukherjee opens up about the demons he has faced

Designer Sabyasachi Mukherjee is unapologetic about the demons he has faced, and still experiences moments of doubt and frustration.

‘If you see a woman ‘overdressed’ , caked with makeup, armoured with jewellery, it is most likely that she is wounded. Bleeding inside, silently…’ These words from designer Sabyasachi Mukherjee, equating an ‘overdressed’ woman to an emotionally wounded one, went viral earlier this year with many users terming the Instagram post ‘misogynistic’, ‘ignorant’ and ‘sexist’.

Mukherjee, 45, offered an unconditional apology for the ‘tone-deaf’ post, saying, “The true essence of the post was to ask people to be aware, empathetic, and not judgemental of peoples’ personal clothing choices, which could be a manifestation of their internal anguish.” He shared his own example of ‘crippling depression as a teenager’. “I found my coping mechanism through radical clothing choices. I was sneered at and bullied, but it helped me find my way again,” he wrote.

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Passion vs career
A private person, Mukherjee rarely opens up about his personal life but when he does, he’s truthful and unapologetic about the demons he’s faced. When ETPanache caught up with the designer on the sidelines of a recent design show in Mumbai, he sat down without fuss on a stool and spoke matter-of-factly about his own mental health and how he once attempted suicide.

“I got into severe depression when I was 17. I tried committing suicide. It was a failed attempt,” said Mukherjee, dressed in khaki fatigues and a beard like a young Fidel Castro. “Mental health in today’s day and time, with this quick pace of life, is becoming more pronounced. And people need to understand that it is not something that one needs to be ashamed of or fear because it’s quite normal. And we need to just address it as normally as possible.”

During a 2017 conclave, he compared the prevalence of depression to the common cold, calling it a natural occurence. “My depression gave me a lot of clarity. Had I not been depressed, India would’ve lost me to some company called Google, in San Francisco,” Mukherjee had said at the time.

Inspired by the Material Girl
Recalling his trying formative years, Mukherjee told ETPanache, “I think a lot of us creative people suffer from a lack of self-expression. [At the time] I was a creative person in the wrong education stream. I was studying medicine, then economics, wasn’t very sure what I would do.”

That dissonance drove Mukherjee to a dark place but dressing in radical clothes helped him find his way again. “Self-expression helped me cope with the frustrations of not being able to find a creative outlet,” he said. “I started expressing myself by dyeing my hair orange and wearing ripped jeans with safety pins on them, inspired by Madonna.”

Finding your tribe
Mukherjee believes it was the lack of a support system that drove him to attempt suicide. “I think the big stigma that happens to most people comes from isolation where people think I’m probably the only one who’s going through it,” he said. “But when you reach out to a community you realise you’re not.”

“I think right now there is a lot of conversation happening on mental health and everybody can find their community, sometimes if not offline, then definitely online.”

Over the hill
While he still experiences moments of doubt and frustration, Mukherjee says they’re no longer as severe as they once were. “It [depressive episodes] doesn’t happen to me anymore. I have too creative and too fulfilling a job.” If anything, the designer believes he suffers from exhaustion more than depression these days. But when those inevitable moments of doubt do hit, how does Mukherjee cope? “Food,” says the designer. “ I’m Bengali, [we] love eating. And a little bit of extra sleep just picks me up.”