It's not the women's responsibility alone to manage their relationships. How self-help industry needs to throw focus on male behaviour

BATHURST (AUSTRALIA): "Therapy-speak" advice on relationships and dating is widely available outside of the psychotherapist's office. Much of this advice places responsibility on women for managing their emotional reactions to problematic dating and relationship experiences.

The advice women are given about dating, relationships, and finding love largely falls into three categories.

1. How to not attract emotionally unavailable men
Instagram is full of relationship advice that tells women to take responsibility for their "healing". It advises them on attachment styles, co-dependency, and emotional wounds, as well as how to deal with avoidant and narcissistic partners. Such advice varies in quality from patronising and exploitative, to nuanced and compassionate. Some of this advice is helpful, much of it is not.


One example that falls in the latter category is the cliche that in order to find love, you must first love yourself. Psychiatrist and trauma expert, Dr Bruce Perry, notes that in reality, you cannot love yourself unless you have been loved, noting, "the capacity to love cannot be built in isolation."

"Loving yourself" is valued by modern society if it helps you to get ahead. Constant self-improvement is what matters in a performance-focused society that positions people as objects of enhancement and optimisation. Neoliberalism assumes women's lives are shaped by deliberate choices for which they, as individuals, are responsible. Little attention is paid to the contexts that constrain women's choices.

Being responsible for self-love and self-healing only furthers the responsibility that women already shoulder for their health, well-being, careers, and relationships.

2. How to get a man to commit
Women are instructed on how to develop "a huge advantage over other women" in the "battle" to "get him to put a ring on it". For example, dating coach Benjamin Daly tells his 500,000 Instagram followers that his book reveals "the secret to getting any man begging for commitment".

Not only are women encouraged to strategise their dating moves, they must also self-monitor to avoid emasculating men, with authors encouraging women to observe the rules of traditional femininity and let men "lead".

The strategies underpinning such advice are, at best, confusing. To quote author, Emily Brooks, "We are told to lean in at work, but wait for him to call". It's OK to hustle at work, but don't overreach in your relationships.

The dating advice outlined in this category pits women against each other, polices women's femininity, and reinforces a performance-centric framework of thinking about intimate relationships.

Purpose, Location & Vaccination: What Went Down In The Online Dating World In 2021

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If the year 2020 seemed grim for this planet, 2021 took it upon itself to be the chilling reminder that it wasn’t so much about the year but the general times we have come to live in. Every domain and every sector has gone through seismic changes, both for the better and the worse.

However, very few realms have observed an entire paradigm shift across 2021 as significantly as that of online dating. A survey conducted by dating app QuackQuack reveals a few key factors.

If the year 2020 seemed grim for this planet, 2021 took it upon itself to be the chilling reminder that it wasn’t so much about the year but the general times we have come to live in. Every domain an..

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Eight out of every 10 people who were part of the sample size of the survey voiced their opinion in favour of compulsory vaccination as a precursor to a date. A fairly significant 65 per cent and 75 per cent of people belonging to the age groups of 18-20 and 21-30 respectively agreed upon the same. The importance of a double jab was uniformly highlighted across both the top cities as well as the tier 2 cities of the country as 75 per cent and 70 per cent of the sample size belonging to each felt that the first step towards a safe date would have to be complete vaccination of the other. It was also observed that 80 per cent of the women and 70 per cent of the men who were part of the survey sample felt the necessity of inoculation prior to dates.

Eight out of every 10 people who were part of the sample size of the survey voiced their opinion in favour of compulsory vaccination as a precursor to a date. A fairly significant 65 per cent and 75 ..

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The survey outlined the notion that, owing to the protocols surrounding COVID in place, people have had very little reason to venture outdoors, thereby leading them to reflect on the nature of the dates they have found on the dating app as against plunging for matches with a sense of desperation. 47 per cent of the women and 35 per cent of the men, who were part of the survey, vouched for this behavioural change and also commented that the process of reflection and introspection led them towards healthier relationships than before. The difference in the trend of intentional dating between individuals residing in urban areas and those belonging to rural or semi-urban areas was comparatively similar. While nearly 37 per cent of urban teenagers found that their dating process had taken a purposeful turn, 39 per cent of those from rural or semi-urban areas felt likewise.

The survey outlined the notion that, owing to the protocols surrounding COVID in place, people have had very little reason to venture outdoors, thereby leading them to reflect on the nature of the da..

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The survey found that a staggering 58 per cent and 56 per cent of individuals ranging between the age groups of 18 to 20 and 21 and 30 respectively preferred pairing up with those belonging to a different location as it would help expand their radius of search for a prospective partner. This trend seemed to be more prominent within women as 58 per cent of them were comfortable dating partners from other locations as against a relatively lower 50 per cent among men. Further investigation into a demographic analysis of the sampled data revealed that 46 per cent of those residing in major metro cities preferred dating beyond the confines of their home location whereas a comparatively higher 57 per cent chose the same in the case of smaller cities as well as towns. The numbers indicate that a significant number of individuals do not find location to be a major barrier when it comes to dating and are flexible with having partners from a place other than their own.

The survey found that a staggering 58 per cent and 56 per cent of individuals ranging between the age groups of 18 to 20 and 21 and 30 respectively preferred pairing up with those belonging to a diff..

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The survey revealed that a major percentage of 56 per cent in the age group of 18 to 20 preferred having their first date on a virtual medium and were risk-averse owing to the ongoing Covid situation across the country. However, in contrast, 43 per cent people in the age bracket of 30 and above, belonging to a more old school approach, chose to meet in person whilst following all the necessary safety precautions.

The survey revealed that a major percentage of 56 per cent in the age group of 18 to 20 preferred having their first date on a virtual medium and were risk-averse owing to the ongoing Covid situation..

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3. How to navigate toxic behaviours online
Online dating, while positive in some respects, is a minefield for toxic male behaviour.

This behaviour varies from rejection violence, where women are confronted with violence when turning down a man's advances, to unsolicited graphic images, to more subtle forms of damaging behaviour. These include but are not limited to lovebombing, where men bombard women with attention in order to gain control, and breadcrumbing, where a person leads someone on but remains noncommittal.

These behaviours are not exclusive to male dating app users, but advice around how to handle such behaviour is largely directed at women.

Why are these trends a problem?
Modern dating advice often implies women can and should fix themselves, and their relationships. This creates feelings of shame, and is particularly harmful advice for the vulnerable women in our communities.

Telling women to love themselves before they can have a relationship is at best, nonsensical, and at worst, cruel, especially for those who have suffered the mental violence that accompanies sexual assault and domestic violence.

As of 2021, 23% of women in Australia, a total of 2.2 million women, had experienced sexual assault, with women eight times more likely than men to experience sexual assault by an intimate partner. In 2020, Australia recorded its most dangerous year for domestic violence.

One in six Australian women have experienced sexual or physical violence at the hands of a former or current partner, while one in four women have experienced emotional abuse; over a quarter of the women in Australia.

Lowered self-esteem and a diminished sense of self-worth are just some of the psychological effects of sexual, physical, and emotional violence that may make "self-love" difficult.

Women need safety more than dating advice
Teaching women how to react effectively to emotionally dysfunctional behaviour may help women to cope, but it doesn't address the fundamental issue of intimate interpersonal relationships: safety.

Rather than upskilling women to deal with the harm they risk in dating men, the self-help industry should focus on male behaviour - not the reactions of women to this behaviour. Women need safety more than they need advice.

We need to redirect the focus to male behaviour
The most important dating advice the self-help industry can offer is for a male audience: do not harm the women around you.

Mateship is revered in Australia, yet male friendships are often devoid of vulnerability, openness, intimacy, and self-disclosure. This likely has to do with toxic expectations around masculinity that may manifest in emotional suppression and masking of distress, misogyny and homophobia. Research has found male attitudes towards masculinity, feminism, and homophobia are predictive of date-rape-supportive attitudes and self-reported histories of sexual coercion.

Rather than teaching women how to respond to dangerous dating behaviours, the self-help industry should examine what men are taught about dating and relationships. The self-help industry could play an important role in educating online dating app users about how to avoid perpetrating harassment, discrimination, and sexual violence.

"Teaching" women how to deal with the men they're dating is not the solution to the problems of modern dating and relationships.

(The article is syndicated by PTI via The Conversation)