Intimate details: Find out if your partner is addicted to sex

"I just keep thinking about what it would be like in bed with a person, I cannot focus on anything else. I do not care about their likes, dislikes …all I can think of is whether they will be good in bed. On occasion if I do end up sleeping with them, I lose interest almost immediately, because I want to have sex with others." R (name withheld) is a sex addict and recalls how this is often a shameful and isolating period. But, with the World Health Organization’s International Classification of Diseases list including sex addiction, hopefully that mindset will change and people will seek help at the right time. So, when is the right time?

When to seek help?
“In the case of sex addiction, like any addiction, when the person becomes completely preoccupied with it and spends a significant amount of time and energy on the matter, then is the right time to seek help,” says Dr Bharat Shah, psychiatrist, at Lilavati Hospital in Mumbai, tells ETPanache. “Someone should also seek help when they feel like they want to stop, but can’t. If you find yourself taking risks to pursue this addiction, you should recognise that it is out of control and you should do something about it,” he adds. Sexologist Dr Mahinder Watsa advises to seek help “when you start masturbating, watching porn and then find some other parts of your body and life getting affected. For example, if a married man, while in the act with his wife, has to excuse himself to masturbate and come back, that’s a clear sign there is a problem”.

Dr Kishore Gujar, Vice President, Indian Association of Child & Adolescent Mental Health, adds that a sex addict rarely gets any pleasure from the act, saying, “They often experience anxiety and guilt. On the whole it affects the primary relationships you have as well as your work life and social life.”

Who is at risk?
Though few people suggest sex addiction to be a ‘rich man’s problem’, these experts beg to differ and say that environmental factors do not play as strong a role as biology. “A mental health concern can affect anyone regardless of gender, religion or social economic status. Socioeconomic status may affect the means through which their addiction is manifested and carried out. For example, a person from a wealthy background would be able to afford to solicit sexual encounters more regularly than an individual from lower socioeconomic background,” Tanya Vasunia, psychologist at Mpower tells ETPanache.

While economic status may not have anything to do with an addiction, many of the experts we spoke to suggested that easy access to pornography plays a role. “Since people are getting married later, porn has become a part of their lives so it becomes hard to adjust for them. I do feel the easy accessibility to porn could lead to sex addiction,” explains Dr Watsa.

The flip side
However, Sonali Gupta, a Mumbai-based clinical psychologist, worries that the research around sexual addiction is little and inconclusive and that people could misuse the term. She explains, “The worry is often that people who engage in adultery can use this as an out in certain situations and the internet is filled with stories of Harvey Weinstein spending long periods at the sex addiction clinics,” she says. “At these times the diagnosis becomes questionable.” Gupta adds, “Sometimes the symptoms which seem like compulsive sex consumption are the ones that underlie when it comes to untreated depression/anxiety.”

If one feels they have a problem, they should visit a trusted mental help expert who can teach them impulse control and other ways to combat their addiction. Dr Shah adds that it is important to keep seeking help and not be discouraged saying, “Relapses are very common, but you need to be determined and committed to your treatment. But, even if you do relapse, you should not be disappointed in yourself. It’s not easy but you need to keep at it.”