How Facebook, WhatsApp changed the rules of dating

A date is a click away. A love interest is a text away. There are choices aplenty. But dating, in the digital age, is still nothing short of running the most puzzling maze and the turns are getting more twisted than ever.

"Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good," wrote Gabriel Garcia Marquez in one of the greatest love stories ever told, Love in the Time of Cholera. Timeless words by the Colombian Nobel laureate. Who doesn't falter when it comes to love? But in a digital age, those mistakes are an everyday affair, making love in the time of apps, a difficult space to negotiate.
Dating has new tools love, sex, break-up apps, Insta love, WhatsApp flirting, marathon text-sext sessions, social media stalking... People are finding it difficult to navigate the path of love, more than ever, in the digital age. Author Ellen Fein said in an interview a while earlier, “Everyone is accessible to everyone 24x7. The rules of dating have completely changed.“

Fein, along with Sherrie Schneider, wrote the famous book on dating, The Rules in 1995. But in the next two decades the digital world changed our love manners all over again.The book was rewritten as Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (The Rules).

Should you befriend your love interest on the social media? How long should you take to reply to his text? Texting, emailing, and social networks must now be factored into communication efforts. But should you really rely on them? Says Fein, “People are making mistakes with every step, with new technology, and getting unnecessarily hurt.“

Staged Interests

If interested in someone, people stalk them on Facebook. After that comes marathon chat sessions, armed with smileys, which convey nothing in particular, are open to interpretations, and confuse people thoroughly. “Does her smiley say she's interested?“, “Was he thinking about me when he tweeted that love quote?“, “Why is she taking so much time typing her answer? Does that mean she is overthinking it, faking it?“ Possibly none of them is true, or all of them are.The point is your mind has already gone through the gamut of emotions and you are still plucking petals while your mind is playing that 7th standard game: “She loves me. She loves me not.“

Komal Mohan, 23, media professional, explains how complicated the love game can get. "Let's say a girl likes a guy. She sees his Facebook profile and posts and figures out his interests, let's say it's football or movies.Then she posts something on similar lines even if she's not in it ­ just to attract the guy's attention. So, the conversation can go wrong from the very beginning."

Says dating expert, Sherrie Schneider, “The digital world has provided you with the armour for instant gratification. There's no courtship time anymore ­ nothing to discover on an evening out and ponder about.You meet, you text, you ask, you get the answers. You chat till 2am right after a good dinner. What's left to explore. Too much familiarity results in emotions fizzling out too soon. Technology and apps are facilitators.They shouldn't be confused with solutions or the right answers.“

It's not just the 20-somethings who are finding it difficult to navigate the dating space. It's tough for people of all ages ­ whether you are a 20-something dating for the first time, a 30-something tired of being single, a 40-something giving advice to your daughter, a 50-something getting back in the dating game. You should learn to stay away from your love interest's Facebook profile, make yourself invisible on instant messaging, stop texting or texting back all the time.

`Phone isn't a singles bar'

The age of 24x7 connectivity has made things casual, which wouldn't have been a bad thing if all of us weren't so dependent on technology for everything. Psychologist Dr Nisha Khanna says, “Texting back in nanoseconds isn't a good idea. Don't keep on `liking', commenting on every post of your love interest. The person will soon start to lose interest. The feeling of love should simmer for a while if you want something longer and more permanent. Also, too much familiarity adds to anxiety issues. You keep on checking his or her exes on the social media, compare yourself to them, and your mind gets on to a negative track before you know it. You'll see yourself arguing over silly things and soon it becomes a serious fight.“

Eric Klinenberg, professor of sociology at New York University, and Aziz Ansari, American actor and comedian came out with their new book Modern Romance, which sets out to see why today's dating is the “worst kind of dating“. According to the book's research, OkCupid creates some 40,000 dates every day, two billion swipes on Tinder generate 12 million matches a day!

In a recent interview to Vanity Fair, Ansari explained that before the digital age, most men probably knew 4 or 5 women. Now, they have too many options, and think they can try their luck with everyone. It leads to heartbreak because the rejection also comes as many times. “People shouldn't use their smartphones as a 24x7 singles bar. It can be heartbreaking“ Love wisdom may still come to us when it's too late but it's best not to expect it at the click of a button.

Partners asking to unfriend exes is a huge turn-off!

As per research by Dr Helen Fisher and Dr Justin R Garcia - 73% consider airing emotional drama in posts as a turn-off, 57% consider taking excessive selfies as a turn-off, 55% consider asking someone to unfriend exes as a turn-off, 70% of singles think using your phone on a date is not cool.

When it comes to sexting, women just don't want them from men, while men want their texts to come after work hours. One thing both sexes have in common are that misspellings and bad grammar are huge turn-offs.

Dating data

- Couples can't put a timeline on their relationship.They are prepared for it to break even before it has begun.

- Most couples get into an `exclusive' relationship after 6 to 8 dates.

- Singledom is addictive. Over half of the singletons say they haven't been on a date in two years.

- When polled, 40% of men say they are “scared“ when first interacting with a potential mate.

- If you date online, you can often expect to break up online.

- About 48% of breakups take place over email.Only 5% occur over text message

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