Hold your hot air, New Zealand cows!

New Zealand, as we all know by now via Peter Jackson and Jacinda Ardern, is a poster boy country with a poster girl government. They’ve handled the Covid pandemic with tough love much better than tough guys from other countries worried about appearing soft. But there’s a slight problem, and it involves New Zealand’s non-humans — specifically cattle. For a country that has more cows (6.2 million) and sheep (26 million) than people (5.1 million), there was always a danger of — no, not a bovine or ovine coup — but a blast of civilisations. It turns out that cows have been contributing 64.6% of the 80% of agriculture-related methane emissions that make up 43% of the country’s greenhouse gas emissions. How? By belching and breaking wind.

Not quite a crisis, yes, but worrying enough for a scientific team being selected to track cattle burps’n’farts via MethaneSAT, a 350kg satellite, to be launched next year. Cattle flatulence levels are reportedly up 0.6% from 2017 in New Zealand, and a sharp and loud 62.6% from 1990. The other option before the authorities of this environmentally conscious country is to train its cows in basic politesse. While inter-species behaviour may vary — one animal’s letting it rip is another’s susurration — cows should know that like humans they still have only one planet. Let them chew the cud on that thought.