What parents must do to keep children safe in gated communities

By Sandhya Menon

I remember the first time I moved into a gated community: I was recently married, had moved to a new city and was looking to find a spot of peace from the long, everyday trek to work. Then, two months later, a laptop was stolen from my house. And a whole bunch of dry fruit. The community I was in had the usual security measures — CCTV network, 24-hour security and high, barbedwire-topped walls. We never found the thief, even after the police were involved.

It was the first time it occurred to me that the security, which the cookie-cutter life of a gated community offered, might just be a clever delusion. But life went on, my children came along, I moved cities and found myself in the same living setup. Now, I had kids who needed a place to play and, having forgotten the curious laptop-and-dry-fruit incident, I was relieved to find that, on my bad days, I could send them out to play and not worry that they would be taken away by some stranger or be run over by a speeding vehicle. The rape of a 12-year-old child in Chennai last week, allegedly by 22 men who were employed in her apartment complex, over seven months, brought that question back to life.


The roads that connected the houses in our community had 15 kmph as speed limit. You couldn’t take a piece of paper out of the complex without the security guards at the gate putting you through a combination of Spanish Inquisition and an Indian government office. My kids were safe. I was safe. It isn’t just me, a single mother, who feels that way. Every mother knows how precious the two hours of playtime are — not for kids alone, but for herself, too. That time is when her child is thriving — friends, physical exercise, sunlight, joy and untied to a nanny. All in the comfort of a walled-in community where neighbours would take your child in if you were late from work; where they didn’t have to cross, or play on, busy roads; where the child wasn’t glued to some form of media; where she was safe.

This sense of security drives thousands of upwardly mobile families in Indian cities to opt for lives in gated communities, even though they are more expensive, even though they are possibly less diverse and even though it requires you to adhere to rules that are very often the whim of a small bunch who forms the residents’ association committee. In cities like Bengaluru, one just needs to look up and out of one’s vehicle when one is in the newer areas that now make up the city to see the massive gated communities. Thousands of flats to a project; tickytacky boxes against the sky. Maintenance charges upwards of `4,000 going up to `10,000 depending on location, builder and facilities. But that seems fine — families pay that much because it promises them security.

Families where both parents work and grandparents aren’t available. Families homemakers do a lot because partners are working long hours (or are stuck in traffic), to be able to afford the lifestyle they live. Families that have lulled themselves into a sense of safety without recognising the risks that come with these living arrangements: several strangers who seem familiar because they live where you live, they work where you live. A comfortable familiarity, but is it really? A lack of diversity. A lack of genuine kinship.

Gated communities are self-sufficient — contracting companies supply them with plumbers, electricians, carpenters, security guards, a network of domestic help. How many of us who live in these communities know if the people these contractors employ have had their backgrounds vetted? How many of us even know who the contractor our community employs is? Security guards change with every contract: so every 8-10 months there is a whole new set of faces;after a point, as a resident you stop noticing them; they only serve a purpose. There’s no level of interest in what they do or who they are. This, then, leaves us completely surprised when something as terrible as the rape in Chennai happens.

It isn’t that that particular gated community in Chennai was largely unoccupied; though that is important because it means several lonely, unsafe spaces. It isn’t parental ignorance; while there might be an element of that too. But people are humans and, sometimes, we miss the signs in our children, even if they are staring in our faces; seeing the reality of what those signs mean is so terrible, that we would rather believe we live in a safe world. That our children are safe.

My point is this: we live in networks that are vastly different from those that existed even 15 years ago. Support systems are minimal. I don’t know a single parent who isn’t attached to their phones, so attention is fragmented. Most families have two working parents and it’s impossible to monitor your child constantly. It is also unnecessary. We do actually live in largely safe environments — till something like this happens.

Are there more sexual crimes against children now or do we only hear more of them now? It’s not an easy question to answer. Meanwhile, here are some things I came up with in order to work towards a safer environment for our kids.

* For children above the age of 4, sex education and education about sexual abuse is a must. Within families as well as in the community. There are NGOs that do this: I would love for every community to reach out to these educators and have a session in our clubhouses in ageappropriate groups.

* Have daily, involved conversations about the child’s day. Non-negotiable. Kids are unforthcoming. Find ways to beat that. This is on you. “My child doesn’t tell me anything” cannot be your defence.

* After you have had the conversation, check every couple of months, in very direct ways if they have been touched inappropriately. Ask pointed questions. Watch their reactions carefully. You know when your kid is hiding something.

* Know your child’s rhythm. When does she get home? Even a five-minute delay should cause concern. What is her mood like? Who does she talk to? Does she trust you?

* Have a good idea of the people your community employs. This is crucial. Background checks, names, details. Make sure these are regularly updated and verified. Not the most foolproof way, sure, but better than having zero idea of who is being employed in spaces where our children play free.

* Like the neighbourhood-watch idea in the US, come up with a plan where parents who have time keep an eye on all children during play time. It needn’t be intense guarding. Just a presence is enough. (This has other downsides, but it might be worth thinking along these lines.)

The author is a Bengaluru based writer.