Dr D's column: What makes Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump so similar

Dear Dr D,

We, the men writing to you, have a few things in common. Powerful leaders? Check. Loved by our people? Check. Feared by the world? Check. Rich daddies? Check. Big armies? Check. Nuclear buttons? Check. On these facts we are agreed. But whose is bigger? Whose is better? This is the dispute we bring to you. We're keeping this anonymous so that you can judge without bias. Okay? Our claims are as follows.

One of us says: "Mine is the most beautiful button! It's the most fantastic button! It's so nice to press and feel that I grab it by the p****. Win! Covfefe." The other one says: "Gugeoui romaja pyogibeop. Bigger! Jeong Seokmin. More powerful!


"So there we have it. We have been agitated over this enough to call each other names. Now we want to do it the civilised way, Doc: which one is a dotard and which one is a retard?

Kim, Pyongyang
Donald, Trump Tower

Dear Kim and Donald,

One way gentlemen would solve their disputes in the past would be pistols at dawn. This requires you to go to an isolated place, point your weapons at each other from close range and, counting down from three, pull the triggers simultaneously. That should solve your problem, and also ours. But I take it you're not gentlemen. So I suggest that you hand over both of your buttons to Dr D for inspection and a decision.

- Dr D is one of the leading doctors in the country. He values his privacy (but not of his clients.)
STATUTORY WARNING: This humour column is not for the weak-kneed or the thin-skinned.