Dr. D's column: Steve the Miss Universe swapper

Dear Dr D

I don’t get the big deal about Miss Universe. Really.

Why do we have Miss Universe when we have already Miss World? Does anyone think there is a wider constituency of females outside planet earth? And if so, how do we know that they are beautiful? What if the Martian and Uranusian babes have horns and udders?

Second, does anyone take these pageants seriously? Are there any real ‘winners’? They’re girls swanning around in swimsuits for heaven’s sake.

Third, isn’t it part and parcel of the event to have a little mischief? I crowned the wrong girl but it’s hardly the end of the world. It was like, ‘Whoa girl, it ain’t you but this other hottie also in a swimsuit.’ Big effin deal.

Fourth, all right, so I misspelled some stuff in my apology to the babes. So what? You think they can spell themselves? C’mon!

Given all of this, why is everyone beating up on me for any of this?

S Harvey

Dear Mr Harvey

I do not know what planet you live on. You were so embarrassing that Donald Trump said if he had continued his association with Miss Universe, it wouldn’t have been this bad.

Anything that can actually be improved with the addition of Donald Trump has got to be pretty awful. I suggest you take your job seriously if you expect to be paid for it, just as you should take the girls seriously. There is a place for clowns in this, but it is not as master of ceremony.

Statutory warning: This humour column is not for the weak-kneed or the thin-skinned.